Self-worth. I've had problems being confident as far as I can remember. But I didn't realize that I was damaging my self worth as well. I never thought that the implications of my traumatizing childhood will have a prolonged effect on me. I didn't realize that it would manipulate my subconscious into deciding things for me. Things I'm not even sure of. Things I don't want to deal with at the time being.

I've been this way for far too long. What if I won't be comfortable with being in another skin? What if I've adapted to this one, and any effort leading to any kind of change will be violently resisted?

What if I like myself just the way I am.

Rants

I am facing an intersection in my journey and I have no idea what I should do and which road to take. So I've been camping out here at the intersection for quite sometime now. There were days where I determinedly venture into The Obvious Road for a few miles before walking back to the intersection because I'm not sure if this is the road that I'm supposed to take. And there were also days when I journey down The Less Obvious Road because it seemed like a good option then but not so much a few hours after that.

So now I have no idea what to do. I'm running out of patience and energy and determination and I just feel like sitting here and just wait for some kind of sign to come. But until when? What if I'm stuck here for..a very long period of time? I wish I brought a friend along, but they're all busy dealing with their own intersections. It would be nice to have some kind of clue on which road to take. Since I started my journey I've been faced with a lot of intersections and I admit that I have my justified share of wrong turns. But they're not all that bad.

The good thing about taking a wrong turn is that something good will eventually come out from it. You might not be able to see it immediately after traveling down that road, but you'll be able to see the significance of that wrong turn you made in a few years time. Of course you don't purposely take a wrong turn because that anxious, endangered feeling you get when you're traveling up or down a different road is not something you want to experience often. You usually act on instinct and sometimes, like your brain and your heart, your instinct somehow finds a way to fuck you up.

So I'm still here, stuck at this intersection. Waiting for somebody to show up and tell me which way to go. Waiting for some kind of enlightenment from the surrounding to point me in which way I should head to.

And to think that there isn't any right or wrong road this time.

Rational Update

It's 3 in the morning. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now but obviously I'm not. I haven't written a single post for nearly 5 months haven't I? I blame Twitter for this. But somehow I kind of miss blogging. I miss not having a character limit here like they do on Twitter. I miss just writing whatever I feel like writing here, sometimes posting even three times a day. I miss the feeling of anticipating for comments from my 3 and a half readers. I just miss everything.

But then again I'm a very nostalgic person. The affection I have is really starting to wear me out.

So now I'm on a three-week semester break. And to be honest it's getting a little boring for me. The longest I could stand staying at home is one week. And it's been a few days over a week now and I just can't wait to go back to UIA. It feels a bit different not seeing the faces that you've been seeing for almost everyday for 4 whole months. I miss my friends, I really do :')

And the fact that the results are coming out on the 31st doesn't really help ease my big burden of nothingness either. I'm really hoping for a very good result because yes, my parents have been very..pressuring if there is such word. I know that it's necessary and probably healthy for my mental development and achievement or whatever but it can get really stressful. And probably because my results during my first semester was great so they have expectations of me getting similar results for every semester.

But unfortunately it just doesn't work that way mum and dad :/

Unless I'll be taking the exact same subjects for every semester that is.

Pressure can be a good thing or a bad thing. You can either succumb to it or get away from it. I think I have both kinds. Sometimes the pressure I get gives me the motivation to work harder for the things that I plan on achieving. But sometimes, they become an emotional disturbance that causes me to have hormonal imbalances for a certain period of time which is not good because nobody likes being around a moody Atikah since she might just punch your face for no reason unless you count her being in a bad mood as a valid reason, of course.

So anyways I think I might start writing here again. As much as I love Twitter, it's sort of too public to say everything that comes across your mind. I mean, blogs are public too but only to people who know of their existence, eh? ;)

So I'll end this post with a picture of me, Mee and Ayunie because I just happen to miss them a lot.

And also because we look nice in this one :3

Random emotional update that doesn't make sense number 2

That awful moment when you realize that the old feelings are paying a visit and you don't know how long they intend on staying.

That awful moment when you realize that you still have your insecurities with you. They never left despite not having to deal with those issues anymore.

That awful moment when you realize that you can't control what you want to feel. Your feelings have to aptitude to come and go as they please and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That awful moment when you realize that you still care and you were wrong if you thought that for even one second, you've successfully gotten over the hedge.

But you're not. And you're still stuck here until your feelings decide to let you out once more.

Your brain likes playing tricks on you. And oddly enough, there are times when even your heart complies to it. And together they work towards swerving your emotions. Making you feel miserable, incompetent, useless. And then comes the day when you finally break down. And when you finally do, they become enemies once more.

It's sick when you can't feel anything. But it's sicker when you start to feel everything at once.

Random emotional update that doesn't really make any sense

I'm 21 years old. I'm supposed to know what I want. I'm supposed to be sure of what I feel. I'm supposed to be absolutely certain about the decisions that I make.

But I'm not.

Never have.

Probably never will too.

Doubts are such an annoying vibe to have. They make you rethink about the things you have decided for yourself. Works well alongside its faithful friend, time. Over time doubt will grow and you'll end up being completely mislead of the choices that you've made because you're unsure of whether they'll actually be taking you somewhere or they just seem to be taking you somewhere.

It's not such a nice feeling to stand like a statue at one exact point and just watch people walk by you, watch things happen around you, watch the needles on your clock reach their destination and not be a part of it.

I don't get myself most of the time. Maybe other people do. Or maybe they just think they do. Or I just think that I don't get myself most of the time.

And maybe, maybe is not such a bad word after all.

To the answers that are still trapped inside of you, I hope you'll find your way out one day.

Sometimes, you just have no idea what you seem to be doing. You just go with the flow, tagging along life as it creeps slowly past you in dead silence. And when you finally start to notice where it has taken you, you start freaking out. Because you don't think you're ready for the bigger things that are coming. Your biggest issue, your greatest fear . You are never ready.

Change, please? For the greater good.

Day 08 - A Picture That Makes You Laugh

Because I look like a hippo.

Day 07 - A Picture Of Your Shoes

Well this one is a bit peculiar. Why would anyone be interested in seeing a picture of my shoes ._. oh well.

Last week I bought a new pair of shoes because I had been wearing my old pair for almost a year and a half already so you can imagine how worn out they were. But that was my favorite pair of shoes T_T They were grey-colored jelly shoes and are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have ever owned. They're really flat and you know how much I'm obsessed with flats because I'm gigantic I'm kind of tall and I don't really need heels so flats are the best option for me :)

I think I'm going to put a picture of my old pair of shoes as a tribute(?) to it for being a really awesome pair of shoes and my new one to mark the start of a new shoe-ship(??)

It surprises me how much sense I don't seem to make sometimes.

I've always liked this picture :) of course this was last year during the Terengganu trip at some jetty nearby Yunie's house. Such a nice place to take pictures. You can see my shoes here :D They still look nice in this picture. Now they look so worn out already :( But if I ever came across a similar pair I will definitely snatch it.

And these are my new pair of shoes! :D Quite comfortable because they're made of some soft fabric but still ada blisters jugaklah sebab new shoes kan. I bought them in this color so they would camouflage nicely with the color of my feet :3 But I've only worn them once so I can't really say whether they're a good buy or not ._.

So there you are. Day 7.

The Debate part II

Bitch, you're gonna have to pull yourself together.

I know. Stop telling me that. I know what I'm supposed to do okay. Jeez, woman.

Na'ah. You don't know shit about what you're supposed to do.

How do you know that?

Because if you did, You would've done it instead of hesitating all the time.

I..just don't have the heart to do it..

Are you stupid or something? You saw what happened. You know where this is going. Why are you still like this?

Can you stop asking me questions? You're giving me a headache.

I will stop asking you questions if you'd just stop being so damn stupid.

I'm not stupid I just don't think tha-

Shut up and listen to me. BUCKLE UP BITCH. Nobody's going to wait for you. Nothing's going to happen if you don't do anything. You're the only one who can change this. What the hell are you waiting for? Some kind of epiphany? You better start acting now.

I CAN'T OKAY? I JUST CAN'T. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THINGS THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO. I like how I am right now. I feel happy.

Happy? Are you kidding me? LOOK AT YOURSELF? I don't see happiness anywhere. You might as well say you're jovial in agony. LOL the irony.

Not really helping.

Well it's not my fault you wouldn't listen. Stubborn-ass bitch.

Oh just shut up will you. Go away.

No I won't. If I go away, your sense of logic will follow suit and you will be left a screwed 20 year old.

Like I'm not screwed enough already.

No you're not. You can still make amends to yourself. I know you. I know all your strengths and weakness. I know you can do it. I have faith in you.

I..don't know..

Don't let it weigh you down. Don't let it meddle with the way you think. Don't let it play with your head.

I won't promise you anything but.. I'll try. Just don't keep on blaming me if it doesn't work okay.

Don't just say you're gonna try for the sake of saying it. Mean it, bitch. MEAN IT.

Okay, fine I will try my best to right the wrong that I have done. Happy?

Much better.

Day 06 - A Picture That Shows Your True Self

I find the title of today's picture very vague. My true self? What's that supposed to mean? I'm a different person around my friend and an entirely different person around my parents and other adults. But I like myself best when I'm with my friends. When I'm around my friends I laugh and make faces a lot. So here's a picture that show's who I really am ;)

Tadaaaaaa ._. I honestly didn't know why I looked the way I look. But Yunie is laughing so somebody prolly said something funny..or something.

So there you go! Day 6 :)

Day 05 - A Picture Of Somewhere You've Been To

So I didn't post yesterday because day 4 states 'a habit that you wish you didn't have." wtf? Does that mean i have to scout around for a picture of me biting my nails? Yep, my worst habit. I've been nail-biting since I was 8. When I was 13 I bit one of my nails until only half was left. LOL good times. I'm not such an avid nail-biter as I was now, but I still do occasionally bite my nails. Unknowingly, because you know, it's a habit. You don't actually realize you're doing it.

So here we are at day 5.

Well, frankly I've been to a lot of places. But I think I'm gonna put a picture of me on my Sabah trip earlier this year.

*7 seconds later*

Oh right. I just realized that I forgot to copy my Sabah pictures folder to my new laptop. FML maximum. But I can always take them from Lin's laptop or whatever. No big deal. So I guess I'll just have to find another picture. Let's see what's left of my photo album -.-

Oh wow look what I found. Went to Perth when I was 5. My first overseas trip :) I was so happy because I got to feed the kangaroos lol. They were so cute! And I look so...small. Well, I WAS five. But seriously was I that short? ._.

So there you are. Day 5.

Day 03 - A Photo Of You And Your Craziest Friend

I think I have to upload more than 1 picture for this one because most of my friends are crazy lol. But I have friends from different parts of my life so it's not possible to upload just one picture with all of us in it because there is no such picture ._. K so Imma upload two pictures then hehe.

The first one will be the picture of my school friends. They were the craziest people I have ever met back then. I got sent to the bilik disiplin a lot of times because I did things that I'm not supposed to do of course. Like play around with the fire extinguisher and having to pay for the damages done (although the boys opened it first they should totally be the ones who paid for it, not us -.-) or make the Science teacher scream at us and drag us out of the lab. Boy, those were the days.

13 is the craziest year I have lived so far. My maturity level dropped down to negatives. I didn't care about my studies, I didn't care about how my parents would feel if they knew what I did ; I just wanted to have fun with my gang. And as a result, 2004 was the most badass year of my life. I grew up a bit when I turned 14 so I wasn't any fun anymore lol. I stopped doing crazy things because of that. That's the horrible part about growing up. You tend to think that fun things are always immature and because you desperately want to show people how much you've grown into a matured, young lady you stopped having fun :\

Growing up sucks. But staying immature doesn't really do much help to yourself either. I think it's best to have a bit of both in yourself. Don't be too serious and don't be too immature. There are times when you need to be mature and rational and there will also be times when you need to act like a 5 year old. Do things accordingly for maximum satisfaction!

So this is a picture taken with my school friends, who have sticked with me through thick and thin, who have comforted me whenever I was teased and most importantly, who are still friends with me regardless of the crazy shit I put myself into sometimes.

I wanted to put a picture of the ten of us when we were 13 but I forgot to ask Lee to take a picture of it using her camera :\ Maigod, look Hasan is in here too! (although he looks totally disconnected from the crowd) That should be fair enough because as far as I'm concerned he's one of the craziest guy I've ever met lol.

And the next picture I'd like to put is of my UIA friends not because they're my closest friends but because they also happen to be not right at the mind :p Mainly Mee, Yunie, Kartika, Faie and Nurul. But I don't really have a picture of us together so I'll just put a picture of me, Mee, Yunie and Kartika when I went to Terengganu last year :3

K I purposely had this one up because Kartika looked super energetic in it HAHAHAHAHA. Lompat tak ikut time ftw! Love these guys to bits :)

Day 02 - A Really Good Memory

Woah this one should be hard to pick. Well, by far I think my best memories were made when we went to that Melaka trip last year. I love nothing more than to be surrounded by the people I love all the time :)

So I'm going to pick a picture of us while we were having fun there!

Continuos shooting so we ended up looking bersepah lol. God, I miss being around these people :')

The 30 days photo challenge. I have succumbed to it.

I've always thought the word succumb sounds a bit like cucumber.

K.

So anyways I decided to do this, um thing so that I'll have a reason to update my blog everyday. And I have to put in pictures too! yeay!

So yes, Day 1.

Day 01 - A recent picture of you.

K. I'm vain and i love camwhoring no matter how big the camera might or might not be. This was 2 days ago, when we were waiting for Fatim to get ready sebab nak pergi that bazaar muhibbah(?) nearby. The camera was in my hands, I was not thinking straight so I am not to be blamed. LOL so serious. But seriously, I'm vain. Even my mum says so. If I get my hands on a compact mirror I would have difficulties in letting it go. I like to look at every possible inch of myself and convince myself that I look good. But I'm definitely NOT self-obsessed.

Self-obsessed people have their photos plastered all over their blogs and facebook albums and twitter right? I don't. Well at least I don't think I do. Umm, right? .-. K so maybe I am a bit self-obsessed. I should get help. K.

So there you go. Day 1! Wow I'm looking forward to Day 2 already. Teeheehee.

This is serious me talking.

I just found that the older I get, I'll discover a lot of new things ergo a lot of changes will be made to my supposedly fixed future plans.

Remember how much the nineteen year old me wanted to get married last year?

The twenty year old me have decided to not get married.

At all.

Well maybe. I don't know how things gonna go for me. So let's just live for the time being. And for the time being, I have decided to remain single and I am focused on making myself happy eventhough I do not have a significant other. I discovered that I kind of have way too many priorities right now to be thinking of something serious (nope, a fling wouldn't do either) that involves my personal life.

So basically my plan to get married at 25 has taken a whole 180 degree turn. I don't intend to get married until I reach 35 or something because I want to concentrate on myself first and because I refuse to learn how to cook and I don't want to take care of somebody else when I couldn't even take care of myself   and I want to do things happy, single, unmarried people do.

How the hell can people get married anyway? Marriage for me right now means committing to seeing only one face for the rest of your life. To live with the same person until you're dead. To deal with all that person's annoying habits and attitudes that you don't like. To take care of that person like how you take care of yourself. And the kids, urgh, don't let me start on the kids. I have no idea why I'm suddenly so pessimistic when it comes to marriage. I know it's supposed to be a divine union of two person who agree to see each others' face only until they're dead who really love each other but I just don't see myself being one of them.

Maybe this is just the twenty year old me talking. I don't know. I change my mind a lot. But remaining single until I'm 35 sounds like a really good idea to me. For now. I'm gonna tell you straight that I hate having responsibilities that I have the option of not having. Like marriage. Maybe I'll rent an apartment with Lee and spend our lives taking care of our white kittens white grey eyes until we die. And then we'll give our kittens away to somebody. I mean, before we die of course. See, no big deal.

Maybe I'll change my mind next year. I'm easily influenced by what happens around me. I mean, my stand on certain things are pretty solid. But on others, it's like Jello. I can like you one day and hate you the other.

Wait, that's PMS ._.

But you totally get what I mean right? An idea that doesn't seem to bad at the moment may seem absolutely ridiculous in a few years. People change, plans change, things change. Everything is constantly changing around us. So don't come screaming after me next year if I post about wanting to get married and have 30 kids okay. Like I said, everything changes over time.

Oh and if you're one of my really close friends you prolly know that I intend to minor in Psychology. And minoring means learning an additional 10 subjects. Yes, I am going to have to learn 10 more Psychology subjects. I know it's going to be a rocky road because my time management is shit and I fool around a lot but it's entirely my decision and I'm going to go through with it. I'm going to graduate an English major whose also minoring in Psychology. I don't want to graduate with just one measly degree without anything else. There's just no contentment in that.

I have a PTPTN loan and in order to convert that into a scholarship I'll have to graduate first class. Seriously dude I am not paying RM30k back. I'll die before I complete the payment ._. So I came up with this genius idea to graduate with first class honors so that I wouldn't have to pay back anything. Nada. Nil. Zilch. Zero. I'd say that's a pretty good idea if I was a big brained genius but I'm not. I just got really lucky for my first semester result and I know that. Some people think that I am indeed a big brained genius but I really am not. God has been very kind to me. I am very much aware of that. I didn't put in as much effort to get that good of a result.

So I have vowed to myself that I'm going to concentrate on that and ONLY that for my remaining four years of degree. I won't make room for anything else except spending time with my beloved bimbos :p

And I'm actually being really serious here. I'm taking a stand that I am not going to shift my focus onto anything else. Just my goal of graduating with a first class degree and a minor. Nothing else.

This is serious me talking. FEEL THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION BITCHESSSSS

But seriously. I'm serious about this.

I am angry. I am really angry.

Hello.

If you should know, my football knowledge is next to nothing. I am not a hardcore fan of any football clubs, I have never been and I probably never will be. Whenever there's a football match, I just cheer on the team that I like the best because of my own personal reasons. Like during the Terengganu vs Kelantan match, I was on Terengganu's side because I have a lot of close friends from Terengganu. See? My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I went to the match tonight because my sister asked if I wanted to come along. The only reason I came was because I wanted to know how it feels like to watch a live football match. That's it. Nothing more. And I was on Arsenal's side because most of their players are hot. That's it. My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I know a lot of people take football very seriously. I am not one of them. I rarely take things seriously unless I have to. And I think due to the fact that my football knowledge is inadequate, my opinions on football matches should not be taken seriously. Eventhough it is important to accept and respect other people's opinion, it is not wise to take every single little thing too seriously and have really serious opinions about it. Moderation is the key.

I reached home at 1am tadi. I am tired and cranky and my mood is not stable. When I'm cranky, I get pissed really easily and when I'm pissed I tend to say things that I will regret saying later. I am typing this post with my sensible mode on because if I turn my pissed mode on, things are going to get ugly and I do not like it when things get ugly because of what my anger had made me do so I am going to stop typing now before I say anything that might upset anyone.

P/s: It doesn't hurt to assess the situation before making a conclusion.

Bersih 2.0

Hello. If you follow me on Twitter you'd probably know that I'm an avid supporter of Bersih. I support their cause and I think that what they're fighting for is a noble cause indeed ; a better future for Malaysia. I also think that it doesn't hurt to support a cause that you believe in because, well, you believe in it.

However, I'm very much aware that I do not share the same belief with all my friends. Some supported it, some were against it. But I don't mind. It's the differing opinions that make things interesting. It would be pretty boring if I have a circle of friends who were supporters like I am eh? I don't mind the fact that I have friends who were against Bersih, it's what they believe in and in my opinion they should fight for what they believe in :)

This is not a sarcastic post. I didn't write this post for controversial purposes nor to rise any political issues in my circle of friends. I believe in prioritizing friends before politics. Politics don't play a very big role in my life. Politics weren't there when I needed somebody to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Politics didn't fail my papers with me and certainly didn't laugh with me about it. My friends did :)

While I find it a bit difficult to voice out my opinion in public because of our differing opinions, I still have no qualms about my friends being on the side that I am not. I was born and raised in a rebellious (anti-gov sounds too political) family. During the 1997 rally in which people were protesting about how the then PM invited cricket players from Israel to play here, my dad went along the protest and got caught. I didn't really remember it but my sister said he appeared on TV shouting "Allahuakbar! Allahuakbar!" I remember going to kindergarten the next day and my teachers were all worried and everybody kept asking me "Atikah, ayah awak kene tangkap kan?"

But there was one thing that I really remembered. I wasn't ashamed of my dad for spending a night in jail. I was a very proud 6 year old. At that time I was proud because a lot of people saw my dad on TV. But now I realize that he was fighting for a cause that he believed in and I admire my old man for that. When he doesn't agree with something, he doesn't just sit down and do nothing about it. He joined in a rally to show how unsatisfied he is with the issue. That's why I really look up to my dad :)

I'm telling you this to show you how different people are from each other because they were raised differently. I was raised in a family of rebels, perhaps my other friends were raised in a family who believed in a cause which is different from what my family believes in. It's nature. Not everybody will agree on what you say or what you do. People will always have different opinions on the same issue. The important things here is to accept that and to respect what others have to say. You may think you're right but you have to consider that they may think the same thing too and they will have their own arguments to rebut yours and who knows, maybe their argument would change your point of view.

I admit that I was kind of pissed off when I read my timeline because I have friends who were anti-Bersih. I was pissed because they didn't support what I did. Because they don't believe in the same thing that I did. But then I thought about the fact that we are two different people. We don't come from the same family, we don't come from the same area, heck we don't even come from the same school. Can you see where this is going? Because of how I was raised, I believed in A. But that doesn't mean everybody was raised the way I was raised. Some people might believe in B because of the believe that their family had instilled in them. Or maybe even C.

So you see, it's doesn't matter that others don't share the same belief as you do. It doesn't matter that your friends don't support the cause that you think is noble. The most important thing that you have to keep in mind is that there is completely no use to argue over politics. I think I have matured in a way that I don't blast at people for not having the same believe as I did anymore. I have accepted the fact that not all of my friends believe in what I do and I respect them for that. I respect them for having a stand and most importantly, I respect them for having the guts to voice out their opinion is a sea full of people who might share the same feeling or those who might not :)

Arguing over politics is the stupidest thing a person can do. No, let me rephrase that. Arguing over politics WITH YOUR FRIENDS is the stupidest thing a person can do. You can't impose your belief on other people, that's wrong. You can try, but it's just plain immoral to force people to believe in what you do. Respect others and in return you'll be respected too :)

Dear friends, regardless of which side you are on, I still love you guys and I always will :)

Indecisive

I used to think that blogging was the only way to express. Until I discovered Twitter :\ And now I feel terrible for not updating frequently. Because I always thought that updating my blog is a kind of routine for me. It's like I have to do it, regardless of whether I actually have things to talk about or not. But then pointless ramblings are really just...pointless. And at the same time I discovered the majestic ability of Twitter, the place where you can ramble pointlessly about anything at anytime and you can limit your ramblings to certain people.

And because I have a serious case of cursing, I diverted my attention and my time to Tweeting. I made an account on January and so far I have tweeted about 18, 885 tweets. In just 7 months. Kill me now. I think that I'm the kind of person who have a lot of things to say about a lot of issues but I just don't really have the time or the discipline to sit down and write it all out here. So instead I just tweet short updates on Twitter. I feel guilty for not writing more often. No wonder I feel so depressed. It's been such a long time since I last expressed myself here. Writing is the only way to make me feel better. Unfortunately, there are ethics and rules to be adhered to when you're writing in a public blog. Hence, the use of Twitter.

But now I've made my Twitter account public so I don't know what's the use of having a Twitter account anymore .-.

So, umm, updates. Yeah. I honestly don't know who reads my ramblings here because duh, they're ramblings and pointless ones too. Unless you're a hardcore stalker then I wouldn't wonder so much. Or you find me amusing which is unlikely. Or you're just plain jobless and you like reading. Hmm, gotta like the last one better. So anyways I just completed my short semester and boy, was it a hectic one. My contact hours in the long semester was 13.5 but during this short semester it went up to 22. Wicked is it not .-.

I am going to admit that Arabic is indeed a pain in the ass because I sincerely find it confusing and not interesting and it is just not in my heart to like and learn Arabic. Yes, yes I know it's like the official language of Islam or something but I just find it so confusing. Maybe I'm better off learning another language. Like French, for instance :3 Ifinditsexydon'taskmewhy.

But thank God I managed to get through it but I'm really bothered with RASOK. With such a low CAM, I don't think I'm even close to getting an A- :( I really want to maintain my pointer but it's difficult when you get a lecturer like mine. I honestly don't know what he wants and it's just stressful because because he's really strict and stuff. I think I did Alhamdulillah for my finals. I just hope I get at least a B. Even getting a B+ is out of the question, sigh. I'm just thankful it's all over and I can get a peace of mind. Until the results come out of course.

So here I am. Home. With absolutely nothing to do until the long semester starts in September. Staying at home doing absolutely nothing is really not something I enjoy doing. I can't get a job because it'll be during the fasting month and everybody knows that I get easily pissed and tired when I'm fasting so there's a high probability that I'm going to get sacked because I might like, yell at the customers or get pissed at them for no reason.

Don't ask me what customers .-.

But the good news is mum agreed to buy me a new phone and a new laptop. And I have set my mind on getting an E5 because I like it and it's not too expensive and a Macbook :3 Just the regular one though, couldn't afford to go Pro hihi. I know it's not that my parents couldn't afford it. I know they could. But I think that they just want to give me a lesson on how to be reasonable when buying things. Of course, I face constant failure in this when buying clothes and food. I love spending money on things I love so you can't really blame me for tha. Buying new clothes and food makes me happy :B

It makes everybody happy. I reckon depression wouldn't exist if everybody were to have new clothes everyday and an endless supply of food.

Anyways a lot has happened in my life during these past few months but I just didn't have the time to update it here. So I'll put pictures instead because I love posting pictures in my blog. I think pictures will make it more colorful hihi.

 This picture was taken during the Residency's Family Day. We got so bored waiting for food we decided to camwhore. Goofily.

 LOLWUT.

 One perasan cantik tapi senyum senget picture for you.

Tiyah's favorite picture because I look blergh -_-

Ok I'm too lazy to upload more picture HAHAHA. Go ahead, hate me for being lazy .-. Kbai.

Just sit back and listen

You want to know the truth?

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to wear short shorts with sky high heels and a cropped top and just go outside and hang out with my friends like it's nobody's business.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to hold a guy's hand and look him in the eyes and smile and perhaps give him a peck at the cheek. Married or not married.

The truth is that I really really REALLY wanna go to a concert and scream my lungs out singing along to my favorite song that's being sung by my favorite band on the stage.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to.. well, do a lot of things that I know I can't and I'm not supposed to do.

I'm just me after all.

But don't worry. I'm still sane. I know my limits. I know my stand and I am well aware of my principles. But then again, I'm just me.

*Enthusiastically waves"

I would like to open this monthly update with a plead,

Please don't hit my head for being on a hiatus without any notice :3 Not that anybody would notice or care lol. It's just me being perasan and basking in own self-claimed awesomeness and I don't know what the hell did I mean by that.

So, umm hi everybody. *awkward wave*

I honestly don't know what to blog about anymore. I'm a terrible blogger. I deserve to be cut up into pieces and be fed to the dogs. SOBS. So should I blog about what I'm feeling? How my day was? How my nephews annoyed me today? LOL I sound like a noob blogger. I should stop sounding like that and start sounding awesome instead. I think it's because I made a Twitter account and I already have a tumblr account so when I feel like venting or rambling or ranting or whatever I just do them either on Tumblr of on Twitter. Poor blogspot. Now I feel so guilty :|

So, umm can I compensate this few-worded post with pictures instead? Had a sleepover at Lee's last thursday and it was AWESOME. She baked these cute little cone-cupcakes for me and bam and she made peanut-butter pie! The con-cupcakes were really cute. She baked them in ICE CREAM CONES YES PEOPLE YOU HEARD IT RIGHT. FREAKIN ICE CREAM CONES.

I swear it looks like McD's sundae cone on the outside! But the kind that never melts ._.

And Amr got me a birthday gift! Lee went over to her house to pick it up ♥ so she could give it to me that night. Lee told me Amr asked her what do I like and she said something colorful and London-ish so I could just, you know, nonchalantly tell people where it's bought.

It's surprising how well somebody knows you.

So Amr got me this really cute bag with colorful 'London' all over it! It's so cuteeeeeeeeee I just can't seem put it down that night. I kept looking at the mirror posing with the bag because it was so cute :3 Thank you Amr. I love it!

Behold! The bag with colorful Londons. LOL cute kan :3

The bag I mean. Of course I mean the bag, duhh.

And the next day we went for a haircut! We had to really look because most shops didn't offer that tempat tertutup for people who wear tudung to have haircuts :| And we came across this saloon (HAHA) and there was that tempat tertutup place and THE PRICE WAS SO CHEAP OMG. Hair cute + blowdry (weird  incomplete version) + basic hair treatment for only RM35! We'd be crazy to not agree. But there was only one chair for the tempat tertutup so we had to take turns having haircuts which resulted in us spending nearly 3 hours there teehee.

And we agreed to meet up with Halim suppoedly for lunch but since the haircuts were taking really long hours we decided to meet up for tea instead because it's been such a long time since I saw Halim and his girlfriend Nurun is coming too and I've never met Nurun in person so it would be nice to finally meet and greet her hehe.

Pictures at the saloon!

 Bam's dream haircut lol.

Me flipping through haircut magazines wondering whether I've made the right decision by getting this kind of haircut.

Lee playing her favorite game :D

So after having our haircuts we went to see Halim at this place called, umm, Axis Atrium? I forgot what it's called. But it sounds really hip so Axis Atrium must be right HAHA.

 Halim and Nurun! The moment Halim saw me taking out Lee's camera from my bag he was all, "Koz, tangkap la gambar." multiplied by 10 -.-

 The iFamily. Bam's not in it though :P While we were all on the restaurant's wifi checking in and tweeting Bam was just sitting there staring at the table and going "I hate my phone" HAHA well she didn't really say I hate my phone. I'm just making it more dramatic. Teehee

 I like taking pictures of the same gadgets because it looks like I have a store that sells gadgets(?) Lee was all "Eee asal tangkap gamba camni gelabah la macam nak show off eee." I like to feel like a store owner ok.

Lee's purposely mismatched socks. Nurun thought they were sold like that -.-

 Bam was so amused by this board because the waiters took the initiative to actually draw mee goreng and ice lemon tea LOL.

 Ooohhh and Bam painted my nails for me because I have minor Parkinson and can't paint my nails properly because she's really good at doing so. It's bronze and I look like I have no fingernails because it matches the color of my skin! Camouflage FTW.

 Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin dari kami sekeluarga.

Halim in a desperate attempt to make me take pictures of him 'willingly' HAHA. He walked up the escalator looking like there's somebody at the end whom he'd like to punch. No kidding.

So that's all for now. See I wrote quite a long post to compensate my unannounced hiatus. Please love me now :D