Monday, March 21, 2011

I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face.

Hi. I know everybody must hate me being on an unannounced hiatus for more than a month. I think it's because I have other priorities now. Or whatever.

Do you know how much I hate dislike it when people bring something up from my past and slam it in my face? It makes me want to howl in memory of the pain I used to feel. I had a hard time in school, you should know that. Albeit having awesome friends, my school days is certainly not something I like to talk about openly. I always feel tears coming up when somebody brings up about what people did to me in school. I know I don't get that anymore now. But there will always be those scars. And sometimes I think that they're the kind of scars that can be opened once again. It used to hurt and it still hurts. Not showing it to anybody doesn't mean I don't feel it. I do, I'm just trying not to make such a big deal out of it.

I'm scarred for life. You should be well aware of that. Or maybe you're not because you didn't really know what happened. Not that I'd want to share it with you. It's just something I can't talk about. Everybody has that one thing they can't seem to express to others. This is mine. People can try and convince me I don't look like how I used to back then. They can try and try and try. And I can act like I'm convinced. But no, I'm not convinced and I think I never will be convinced. I hate it when people bring that up and all those shitty feelings I used to feel about myself, those feelings that make me feel like I'm worthless come surging up again. Strangling my new faith until it suffocates and leaves me feeling like a piece of shit all over again.

I don't know whether you've felt that worthless before or not. But I have okay. And I'm not lying when I say that I didn't enjoy even one bit of it. It used to make me feel miserable about myself and now I know that it will keep haunting me until the day I die, literally. I don't know how many assholes I've killed in my mind everytime that feeling comes. Assholes that made me feel that way. I may appear to be okay with you now. Everything seems to be well doesn't it? However well I may treat you, please do know that I will never forget what you did to me. How I'm really scarred for life because of your words.. Your mindless, stupid words that you uttered to me, I still remember from years ago. And I think I'll remember them forever. Unless I get brain damage. Thank you for permanently scarring me. Thank you from my fucking broken confidence. Thank you from the bottom of my scarred heart. Thank you fuckers.

I hate you for what you did and I forever will. You can say sorry all you want. You can forget. You can do anything that makes you feel good about yourself. But sorry, I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to forgive you, I won't be able to forget and I won't be able to do things that would make me feel good about myself. You may think that this isn't a big deal. That I'm over-reacting like a little bitch. But no. I'm not. This is now I really feel and I'm nto afraid of being accused as a drama queen. You're not in my shoes. You don't get to feel all those feelings I used to feel. You don't get to feel like somebody just stomped on you until you feel so worthless you just want to curl up and never go out ever again. You've never felt all that, so you can say whatever you want and do whatever you like.

I am honestly sick and tired of constantly feeling like this. Sometimes I wish that I would wake up one day and all my emotions would be taken away from me. So that whenever people try to make me feel worthless I won't even feel shit. So that when people try to stomp on me, I ain''t even mad. I wish I would stop caring and loving and missing and whetever other feelings that I constantly feel, for once. I'm tired of feeling. Right now, I just want to feel nothing. Nothing at all.

For all the people who have made me feel worthless, this is for you.


Anonymous said...

aku harap bukan aku yg buat ko jd cmtu.-fxa_

meme said...

yup..we have one experience that make us want to cry each time we think about too..i hate that experience, but still,the things that has happened always got hikmah behind it..just believe that Allah has something beautiful stored for you for all the things that you have gone!

LinZ said...

nak like komen meme leh?
kalau hang huduh cam shrek pun, u still have us standing strong behind u...hau bannnnnnnnnnn

meme said...

HAHHAHHA..huduh cam shrek?! hahhahahha..