Self-worth. I've had problems being confident as far as I can remember. But I didn't realize that I was damaging my self worth as well. I never thought that the implications of my traumatizing childhood will have a prolonged effect on me. I didn't realize that it would manipulate my subconscious into deciding things for me. Things I'm not even sure of. Things I don't want to deal with at the time being.

I've been this way for far too long. What if I won't be comfortable with being in another skin? What if I've adapted to this one, and any effort leading to any kind of change will be violently resisted?

What if I like myself just the way I am.

Rants

I am facing an intersection in my journey and I have no idea what I should do and which road to take. So I've been camping out here at the intersection for quite sometime now. There were days where I determinedly venture into The Obvious Road for a few miles before walking back to the intersection because I'm not sure if this is the road that I'm supposed to take. And there were also days when I journey down The Less Obvious Road because it seemed like a good option then but not so much a few hours after that.

So now I have no idea what to do. I'm running out of patience and energy and determination and I just feel like sitting here and just wait for some kind of sign to come. But until when? What if I'm stuck here for..a very long period of time? I wish I brought a friend along, but they're all busy dealing with their own intersections. It would be nice to have some kind of clue on which road to take. Since I started my journey I've been faced with a lot of intersections and I admit that I have my justified share of wrong turns. But they're not all that bad.

The good thing about taking a wrong turn is that something good will eventually come out from it. You might not be able to see it immediately after traveling down that road, but you'll be able to see the significance of that wrong turn you made in a few years time. Of course you don't purposely take a wrong turn because that anxious, endangered feeling you get when you're traveling up or down a different road is not something you want to experience often. You usually act on instinct and sometimes, like your brain and your heart, your instinct somehow finds a way to fuck you up.

So I'm still here, stuck at this intersection. Waiting for somebody to show up and tell me which way to go. Waiting for some kind of enlightenment from the surrounding to point me in which way I should head to.

And to think that there isn't any right or wrong road this time.

Rational Update

It's 3 in the morning. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now but obviously I'm not. I haven't written a single post for nearly 5 months haven't I? I blame Twitter for this. But somehow I kind of miss blogging. I miss not having a character limit here like they do on Twitter. I miss just writing whatever I feel like writing here, sometimes posting even three times a day. I miss the feeling of anticipating for comments from my 3 and a half readers. I just miss everything.

But then again I'm a very nostalgic person. The affection I have is really starting to wear me out.

So now I'm on a three-week semester break. And to be honest it's getting a little boring for me. The longest I could stand staying at home is one week. And it's been a few days over a week now and I just can't wait to go back to UIA. It feels a bit different not seeing the faces that you've been seeing for almost everyday for 4 whole months. I miss my friends, I really do :')

And the fact that the results are coming out on the 31st doesn't really help ease my big burden of nothingness either. I'm really hoping for a very good result because yes, my parents have been very..pressuring if there is such word. I know that it's necessary and probably healthy for my mental development and achievement or whatever but it can get really stressful. And probably because my results during my first semester was great so they have expectations of me getting similar results for every semester.

But unfortunately it just doesn't work that way mum and dad :/

Unless I'll be taking the exact same subjects for every semester that is.

Pressure can be a good thing or a bad thing. You can either succumb to it or get away from it. I think I have both kinds. Sometimes the pressure I get gives me the motivation to work harder for the things that I plan on achieving. But sometimes, they become an emotional disturbance that causes me to have hormonal imbalances for a certain period of time which is not good because nobody likes being around a moody Atikah since she might just punch your face for no reason unless you count her being in a bad mood as a valid reason, of course.

So anyways I think I might start writing here again. As much as I love Twitter, it's sort of too public to say everything that comes across your mind. I mean, blogs are public too but only to people who know of their existence, eh? ;)

So I'll end this post with a picture of me, Mee and Ayunie because I just happen to miss them a lot.

And also because we look nice in this one :3

Random emotional update that doesn't make sense number 2

That awful moment when you realize that the old feelings are paying a visit and you don't know how long they intend on staying.

That awful moment when you realize that you still have your insecurities with you. They never left despite not having to deal with those issues anymore.

That awful moment when you realize that you can't control what you want to feel. Your feelings have to aptitude to come and go as they please and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That awful moment when you realize that you still care and you were wrong if you thought that for even one second, you've successfully gotten over the hedge.

But you're not. And you're still stuck here until your feelings decide to let you out once more.

Your brain likes playing tricks on you. And oddly enough, there are times when even your heart complies to it. And together they work towards swerving your emotions. Making you feel miserable, incompetent, useless. And then comes the day when you finally break down. And when you finally do, they become enemies once more.

It's sick when you can't feel anything. But it's sicker when you start to feel everything at once.

Random emotional update that doesn't really make any sense

I'm 21 years old. I'm supposed to know what I want. I'm supposed to be sure of what I feel. I'm supposed to be absolutely certain about the decisions that I make.

But I'm not.

Never have.

Probably never will too.

Doubts are such an annoying vibe to have. They make you rethink about the things you have decided for yourself. Works well alongside its faithful friend, time. Over time doubt will grow and you'll end up being completely mislead of the choices that you've made because you're unsure of whether they'll actually be taking you somewhere or they just seem to be taking you somewhere.

It's not such a nice feeling to stand like a statue at one exact point and just watch people walk by you, watch things happen around you, watch the needles on your clock reach their destination and not be a part of it.

I don't get myself most of the time. Maybe other people do. Or maybe they just think they do. Or I just think that I don't get myself most of the time.

And maybe, maybe is not such a bad word after all.