This is serious me talking.

I just found that the older I get, I'll discover a lot of new things ergo a lot of changes will be made to my supposedly fixed future plans.

Remember how much the nineteen year old me wanted to get married last year?

The twenty year old me have decided to not get married.

At all.

Well maybe. I don't know how things gonna go for me. So let's just live for the time being. And for the time being, I have decided to remain single and I am focused on making myself happy eventhough I do not have a significant other. I discovered that I kind of have way too many priorities right now to be thinking of something serious (nope, a fling wouldn't do either) that involves my personal life.

So basically my plan to get married at 25 has taken a whole 180 degree turn. I don't intend to get married until I reach 35 or something because I want to concentrate on myself first and because I refuse to learn how to cook and I don't want to take care of somebody else when I couldn't even take care of myself   and I want to do things happy, single, unmarried people do.

How the hell can people get married anyway? Marriage for me right now means committing to seeing only one face for the rest of your life. To live with the same person until you're dead. To deal with all that person's annoying habits and attitudes that you don't like. To take care of that person like how you take care of yourself. And the kids, urgh, don't let me start on the kids. I have no idea why I'm suddenly so pessimistic when it comes to marriage. I know it's supposed to be a divine union of two person who agree to see each others' face only until they're dead who really love each other but I just don't see myself being one of them.

Maybe this is just the twenty year old me talking. I don't know. I change my mind a lot. But remaining single until I'm 35 sounds like a really good idea to me. For now. I'm gonna tell you straight that I hate having responsibilities that I have the option of not having. Like marriage. Maybe I'll rent an apartment with Lee and spend our lives taking care of our white kittens white grey eyes until we die. And then we'll give our kittens away to somebody. I mean, before we die of course. See, no big deal.

Maybe I'll change my mind next year. I'm easily influenced by what happens around me. I mean, my stand on certain things are pretty solid. But on others, it's like Jello. I can like you one day and hate you the other.

Wait, that's PMS ._.

But you totally get what I mean right? An idea that doesn't seem to bad at the moment may seem absolutely ridiculous in a few years. People change, plans change, things change. Everything is constantly changing around us. So don't come screaming after me next year if I post about wanting to get married and have 30 kids okay. Like I said, everything changes over time.

Oh and if you're one of my really close friends you prolly know that I intend to minor in Psychology. And minoring means learning an additional 10 subjects. Yes, I am going to have to learn 10 more Psychology subjects. I know it's going to be a rocky road because my time management is shit and I fool around a lot but it's entirely my decision and I'm going to go through with it. I'm going to graduate an English major whose also minoring in Psychology. I don't want to graduate with just one measly degree without anything else. There's just no contentment in that.

I have a PTPTN loan and in order to convert that into a scholarship I'll have to graduate first class. Seriously dude I am not paying RM30k back. I'll die before I complete the payment ._. So I came up with this genius idea to graduate with first class honors so that I wouldn't have to pay back anything. Nada. Nil. Zilch. Zero. I'd say that's a pretty good idea if I was a big brained genius but I'm not. I just got really lucky for my first semester result and I know that. Some people think that I am indeed a big brained genius but I really am not. God has been very kind to me. I am very much aware of that. I didn't put in as much effort to get that good of a result.

So I have vowed to myself that I'm going to concentrate on that and ONLY that for my remaining four years of degree. I won't make room for anything else except spending time with my beloved bimbos :p

And I'm actually being really serious here. I'm taking a stand that I am not going to shift my focus onto anything else. Just my goal of graduating with a first class degree and a minor. Nothing else.

This is serious me talking. FEEL THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION BITCHESSSSS

But seriously. I'm serious about this.

I am angry. I am really angry.

Hello.

If you should know, my football knowledge is next to nothing. I am not a hardcore fan of any football clubs, I have never been and I probably never will be. Whenever there's a football match, I just cheer on the team that I like the best because of my own personal reasons. Like during the Terengganu vs Kelantan match, I was on Terengganu's side because I have a lot of close friends from Terengganu. See? My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I went to the match tonight because my sister asked if I wanted to come along. The only reason I came was because I wanted to know how it feels like to watch a live football match. That's it. Nothing more. And I was on Arsenal's side because most of their players are hot. That's it. My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I know a lot of people take football very seriously. I am not one of them. I rarely take things seriously unless I have to. And I think due to the fact that my football knowledge is inadequate, my opinions on football matches should not be taken seriously. Eventhough it is important to accept and respect other people's opinion, it is not wise to take every single little thing too seriously and have really serious opinions about it. Moderation is the key.

I reached home at 1am tadi. I am tired and cranky and my mood is not stable. When I'm cranky, I get pissed really easily and when I'm pissed I tend to say things that I will regret saying later. I am typing this post with my sensible mode on because if I turn my pissed mode on, things are going to get ugly and I do not like it when things get ugly because of what my anger had made me do so I am going to stop typing now before I say anything that might upset anyone.

P/s: It doesn't hurt to assess the situation before making a conclusion.

Bersih 2.0

Hello. If you follow me on Twitter you'd probably know that I'm an avid supporter of Bersih. I support their cause and I think that what they're fighting for is a noble cause indeed ; a better future for Malaysia. I also think that it doesn't hurt to support a cause that you believe in because, well, you believe in it.

However, I'm very much aware that I do not share the same belief with all my friends. Some supported it, some were against it. But I don't mind. It's the differing opinions that make things interesting. It would be pretty boring if I have a circle of friends who were supporters like I am eh? I don't mind the fact that I have friends who were against Bersih, it's what they believe in and in my opinion they should fight for what they believe in :)

This is not a sarcastic post. I didn't write this post for controversial purposes nor to rise any political issues in my circle of friends. I believe in prioritizing friends before politics. Politics don't play a very big role in my life. Politics weren't there when I needed somebody to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Politics didn't fail my papers with me and certainly didn't laugh with me about it. My friends did :)

While I find it a bit difficult to voice out my opinion in public because of our differing opinions, I still have no qualms about my friends being on the side that I am not. I was born and raised in a rebellious (anti-gov sounds too political) family. During the 1997 rally in which people were protesting about how the then PM invited cricket players from Israel to play here, my dad went along the protest and got caught. I didn't really remember it but my sister said he appeared on TV shouting "Allahuakbar! Allahuakbar!" I remember going to kindergarten the next day and my teachers were all worried and everybody kept asking me "Atikah, ayah awak kene tangkap kan?"

But there was one thing that I really remembered. I wasn't ashamed of my dad for spending a night in jail. I was a very proud 6 year old. At that time I was proud because a lot of people saw my dad on TV. But now I realize that he was fighting for a cause that he believed in and I admire my old man for that. When he doesn't agree with something, he doesn't just sit down and do nothing about it. He joined in a rally to show how unsatisfied he is with the issue. That's why I really look up to my dad :)

I'm telling you this to show you how different people are from each other because they were raised differently. I was raised in a family of rebels, perhaps my other friends were raised in a family who believed in a cause which is different from what my family believes in. It's nature. Not everybody will agree on what you say or what you do. People will always have different opinions on the same issue. The important things here is to accept that and to respect what others have to say. You may think you're right but you have to consider that they may think the same thing too and they will have their own arguments to rebut yours and who knows, maybe their argument would change your point of view.

I admit that I was kind of pissed off when I read my timeline because I have friends who were anti-Bersih. I was pissed because they didn't support what I did. Because they don't believe in the same thing that I did. But then I thought about the fact that we are two different people. We don't come from the same family, we don't come from the same area, heck we don't even come from the same school. Can you see where this is going? Because of how I was raised, I believed in A. But that doesn't mean everybody was raised the way I was raised. Some people might believe in B because of the believe that their family had instilled in them. Or maybe even C.

So you see, it's doesn't matter that others don't share the same belief as you do. It doesn't matter that your friends don't support the cause that you think is noble. The most important thing that you have to keep in mind is that there is completely no use to argue over politics. I think I have matured in a way that I don't blast at people for not having the same believe as I did anymore. I have accepted the fact that not all of my friends believe in what I do and I respect them for that. I respect them for having a stand and most importantly, I respect them for having the guts to voice out their opinion is a sea full of people who might share the same feeling or those who might not :)

Arguing over politics is the stupidest thing a person can do. No, let me rephrase that. Arguing over politics WITH YOUR FRIENDS is the stupidest thing a person can do. You can't impose your belief on other people, that's wrong. You can try, but it's just plain immoral to force people to believe in what you do. Respect others and in return you'll be respected too :)

Dear friends, regardless of which side you are on, I still love you guys and I always will :)

Indecisive

I used to think that blogging was the only way to express. Until I discovered Twitter :\ And now I feel terrible for not updating frequently. Because I always thought that updating my blog is a kind of routine for me. It's like I have to do it, regardless of whether I actually have things to talk about or not. But then pointless ramblings are really just...pointless. And at the same time I discovered the majestic ability of Twitter, the place where you can ramble pointlessly about anything at anytime and you can limit your ramblings to certain people.

And because I have a serious case of cursing, I diverted my attention and my time to Tweeting. I made an account on January and so far I have tweeted about 18, 885 tweets. In just 7 months. Kill me now. I think that I'm the kind of person who have a lot of things to say about a lot of issues but I just don't really have the time or the discipline to sit down and write it all out here. So instead I just tweet short updates on Twitter. I feel guilty for not writing more often. No wonder I feel so depressed. It's been such a long time since I last expressed myself here. Writing is the only way to make me feel better. Unfortunately, there are ethics and rules to be adhered to when you're writing in a public blog. Hence, the use of Twitter.

But now I've made my Twitter account public so I don't know what's the use of having a Twitter account anymore .-.

So, umm, updates. Yeah. I honestly don't know who reads my ramblings here because duh, they're ramblings and pointless ones too. Unless you're a hardcore stalker then I wouldn't wonder so much. Or you find me amusing which is unlikely. Or you're just plain jobless and you like reading. Hmm, gotta like the last one better. So anyways I just completed my short semester and boy, was it a hectic one. My contact hours in the long semester was 13.5 but during this short semester it went up to 22. Wicked is it not .-.

I am going to admit that Arabic is indeed a pain in the ass because I sincerely find it confusing and not interesting and it is just not in my heart to like and learn Arabic. Yes, yes I know it's like the official language of Islam or something but I just find it so confusing. Maybe I'm better off learning another language. Like French, for instance :3 Ifinditsexydon'taskmewhy.

But thank God I managed to get through it but I'm really bothered with RASOK. With such a low CAM, I don't think I'm even close to getting an A- :( I really want to maintain my pointer but it's difficult when you get a lecturer like mine. I honestly don't know what he wants and it's just stressful because because he's really strict and stuff. I think I did Alhamdulillah for my finals. I just hope I get at least a B. Even getting a B+ is out of the question, sigh. I'm just thankful it's all over and I can get a peace of mind. Until the results come out of course.

So here I am. Home. With absolutely nothing to do until the long semester starts in September. Staying at home doing absolutely nothing is really not something I enjoy doing. I can't get a job because it'll be during the fasting month and everybody knows that I get easily pissed and tired when I'm fasting so there's a high probability that I'm going to get sacked because I might like, yell at the customers or get pissed at them for no reason.

Don't ask me what customers .-.

But the good news is mum agreed to buy me a new phone and a new laptop. And I have set my mind on getting an E5 because I like it and it's not too expensive and a Macbook :3 Just the regular one though, couldn't afford to go Pro hihi. I know it's not that my parents couldn't afford it. I know they could. But I think that they just want to give me a lesson on how to be reasonable when buying things. Of course, I face constant failure in this when buying clothes and food. I love spending money on things I love so you can't really blame me for tha. Buying new clothes and food makes me happy :B

It makes everybody happy. I reckon depression wouldn't exist if everybody were to have new clothes everyday and an endless supply of food.

Anyways a lot has happened in my life during these past few months but I just didn't have the time to update it here. So I'll put pictures instead because I love posting pictures in my blog. I think pictures will make it more colorful hihi.

 This picture was taken during the Residency's Family Day. We got so bored waiting for food we decided to camwhore. Goofily.

 LOLWUT.

 One perasan cantik tapi senyum senget picture for you.

Tiyah's favorite picture because I look blergh -_-

Ok I'm too lazy to upload more picture HAHAHA. Go ahead, hate me for being lazy .-. Kbai.

Just sit back and listen

You want to know the truth?

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to wear short shorts with sky high heels and a cropped top and just go outside and hang out with my friends like it's nobody's business.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to hold a guy's hand and look him in the eyes and smile and perhaps give him a peck at the cheek. Married or not married.

The truth is that I really really REALLY wanna go to a concert and scream my lungs out singing along to my favorite song that's being sung by my favorite band on the stage.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to.. well, do a lot of things that I know I can't and I'm not supposed to do.

I'm just me after all.

But don't worry. I'm still sane. I know my limits. I know my stand and I am well aware of my principles. But then again, I'm just me.

*Enthusiastically waves"

I would like to open this monthly update with a plead,

Please don't hit my head for being on a hiatus without any notice :3 Not that anybody would notice or care lol. It's just me being perasan and basking in own self-claimed awesomeness and I don't know what the hell did I mean by that.

So, umm hi everybody. *awkward wave*

I honestly don't know what to blog about anymore. I'm a terrible blogger. I deserve to be cut up into pieces and be fed to the dogs. SOBS. So should I blog about what I'm feeling? How my day was? How my nephews annoyed me today? LOL I sound like a noob blogger. I should stop sounding like that and start sounding awesome instead. I think it's because I made a Twitter account and I already have a tumblr account so when I feel like venting or rambling or ranting or whatever I just do them either on Tumblr of on Twitter. Poor blogspot. Now I feel so guilty :|

So, umm can I compensate this few-worded post with pictures instead? Had a sleepover at Lee's last thursday and it was AWESOME. She baked these cute little cone-cupcakes for me and bam and she made peanut-butter pie! The con-cupcakes were really cute. She baked them in ICE CREAM CONES YES PEOPLE YOU HEARD IT RIGHT. FREAKIN ICE CREAM CONES.

I swear it looks like McD's sundae cone on the outside! But the kind that never melts ._.

And Amr got me a birthday gift! Lee went over to her house to pick it up ♥ so she could give it to me that night. Lee told me Amr asked her what do I like and she said something colorful and London-ish so I could just, you know, nonchalantly tell people where it's bought.

It's surprising how well somebody knows you.

So Amr got me this really cute bag with colorful 'London' all over it! It's so cuteeeeeeeeee I just can't seem put it down that night. I kept looking at the mirror posing with the bag because it was so cute :3 Thank you Amr. I love it!

Behold! The bag with colorful Londons. LOL cute kan :3

The bag I mean. Of course I mean the bag, duhh.

And the next day we went for a haircut! We had to really look because most shops didn't offer that tempat tertutup for people who wear tudung to have haircuts :| And we came across this saloon (HAHA) and there was that tempat tertutup place and THE PRICE WAS SO CHEAP OMG. Hair cute + blowdry (weird  incomplete version) + basic hair treatment for only RM35! We'd be crazy to not agree. But there was only one chair for the tempat tertutup so we had to take turns having haircuts which resulted in us spending nearly 3 hours there teehee.

And we agreed to meet up with Halim suppoedly for lunch but since the haircuts were taking really long hours we decided to meet up for tea instead because it's been such a long time since I saw Halim and his girlfriend Nurun is coming too and I've never met Nurun in person so it would be nice to finally meet and greet her hehe.

Pictures at the saloon!

 Bam's dream haircut lol.

Me flipping through haircut magazines wondering whether I've made the right decision by getting this kind of haircut.

Lee playing her favorite game :D

So after having our haircuts we went to see Halim at this place called, umm, Axis Atrium? I forgot what it's called. But it sounds really hip so Axis Atrium must be right HAHA.

 Halim and Nurun! The moment Halim saw me taking out Lee's camera from my bag he was all, "Koz, tangkap la gambar." multiplied by 10 -.-

 The iFamily. Bam's not in it though :P While we were all on the restaurant's wifi checking in and tweeting Bam was just sitting there staring at the table and going "I hate my phone" HAHA well she didn't really say I hate my phone. I'm just making it more dramatic. Teehee

 I like taking pictures of the same gadgets because it looks like I have a store that sells gadgets(?) Lee was all "Eee asal tangkap gamba camni gelabah la macam nak show off eee." I like to feel like a store owner ok.

Lee's purposely mismatched socks. Nurun thought they were sold like that -.-

 Bam was so amused by this board because the waiters took the initiative to actually draw mee goreng and ice lemon tea LOL.

 Ooohhh and Bam painted my nails for me because I have minor Parkinson and can't paint my nails properly because she's really good at doing so. It's bronze and I look like I have no fingernails because it matches the color of my skin! Camouflage FTW.

 Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin dari kami sekeluarga.

Halim in a desperate attempt to make me take pictures of him 'willingly' HAHA. He walked up the escalator looking like there's somebody at the end whom he'd like to punch. No kidding.

So that's all for now. See I wrote quite a long post to compensate my unannounced hiatus. Please love me now :D

I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face.

Hi. I know everybody must hate me being on an unannounced hiatus for more than a month. I think it's because I have other priorities now. Or whatever.

Do you know how much I hate dislike it when people bring something up from my past and slam it in my face? It makes me want to howl in memory of the pain I used to feel. I had a hard time in school, you should know that. Albeit having awesome friends, my school days is certainly not something I like to talk about openly. I always feel tears coming up when somebody brings up about what people did to me in school. I know I don't get that anymore now. But there will always be those scars. And sometimes I think that they're the kind of scars that can be opened once again. It used to hurt and it still hurts. Not showing it to anybody doesn't mean I don't feel it. I do, I'm just trying not to make such a big deal out of it.

I'm scarred for life. You should be well aware of that. Or maybe you're not because you didn't really know what happened. Not that I'd want to share it with you. It's just something I can't talk about. Everybody has that one thing they can't seem to express to others. This is mine. People can try and convince me I don't look like how I used to back then. They can try and try and try. And I can act like I'm convinced. But no, I'm not convinced and I think I never will be convinced. I hate it when people bring that up and all those shitty feelings I used to feel about myself, those feelings that make me feel like I'm worthless come surging up again. Strangling my new faith until it suffocates and leaves me feeling like a piece of shit all over again.

I don't know whether you've felt that worthless before or not. But I have okay. And I'm not lying when I say that I didn't enjoy even one bit of it. It used to make me feel miserable about myself and now I know that it will keep haunting me until the day I die, literally. I don't know how many assholes I've killed in my mind everytime that feeling comes. Assholes that made me feel that way. I may appear to be okay with you now. Everything seems to be well doesn't it? However well I may treat you, please do know that I will never forget what you did to me. How I'm really scarred for life because of your words.. Your mindless, stupid words that you uttered to me, I still remember from years ago. And I think I'll remember them forever. Unless I get brain damage. Thank you for permanently scarring me. Thank you from my fucking broken confidence. Thank you from the bottom of my scarred heart. Thank you fuckers.

I hate you for what you did and I forever will. You can say sorry all you want. You can forget. You can do anything that makes you feel good about yourself. But sorry, I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to forgive you, I won't be able to forget and I won't be able to do things that would make me feel good about myself. You may think that this isn't a big deal. That I'm over-reacting like a little bitch. But no. I'm not. This is now I really feel and I'm nto afraid of being accused as a drama queen. You're not in my shoes. You don't get to feel all those feelings I used to feel. You don't get to feel like somebody just stomped on you until you feel so worthless you just want to curl up and never go out ever again. You've never felt all that, so you can say whatever you want and do whatever you like.

I am honestly sick and tired of constantly feeling like this. Sometimes I wish that I would wake up one day and all my emotions would be taken away from me. So that whenever people try to make me feel worthless I won't even feel shit. So that when people try to stomp on me, I ain''t even mad. I wish I would stop caring and loving and missing and whetever other feelings that I constantly feel, for once. I'm tired of feeling. Right now, I just want to feel nothing. Nothing at all.

For all the people who have made me feel worthless, this is for you.