I have finally accepted the fact that I will never have a boyfriend. Today while I was walking back from class it suddenly hit me that all the hot guys are either taken or gay and I don't have the heart to date guy whom I'm not physically attracted to. I think this has something to do with my dream last night. I dreamed about being forced into marriage with this average chinese looking guy. I'm going to assume he's a Muslim because unless he is, my dad probably wouldn't force me to marry him. Er, right?
I think my dad was declared bankrupt or something in that dream because my whole family was living with me, and my husband and his family. And apparently, I have a son with him. I remember not liking him at all during the early stages of our marriage but somehow my love for him developed throughout our marriage and strengthened when our first son (who looks very much like his father) was born. Oh and did I tell you that my husband is a pekerja kilang? Or a petani. Either one. We kind of live in a hut and I was rebelling because I'm not used to that kind of life. I know, I can be a bitch.
So anyways the only thing that made me remember the dream so prominently was his love for me. I felt so loved in that dream. And I really, really, really love that feeling. I feel loved and appreciated and cared for eventhough we waren't living in a multimillion dollar mansion by the lake. I was just happy to have my husband and my son by my side. It's kind of a weird dream for me to be having and I don't know if that's just some random meaningless dream or my future husband actually looks like that lol. So that prolly means I'm marrying a chinese convert. Because he looks really chinese. Just and average looking chinese. But I loved him (in that dream) and for a moment I felt as if that was all that matters.
But then of course, I woke up and realized that I am still single and miserable.
So I came up with a new year (this might be a bit too late. But whatever) resolution for myself. The only one because I doubt I would be able to achieve anything in my resolution list if I made such a list. I'm just not very disciplined. My new year resolution is to not give a rat's ass about boyfriends, ever. I'm tired of this, I really am. I don't care if my friends have thirty boyfriends each anymore. I just refuse to care. And I think it's better that way because for once, I can stop feeling bad about myself because nobody is physically attracted to me whatsoever. I don't care. I just don't care anymore.
I think one of the reasons as to why I still don't have a boyfriend is prolly because of over exposure to testosterone while I was in the womb. Seriously. I googled about women who have ring fingers that are longer than their index fingers and the result came up like that. Plus they also conducted a research on this and it shows that women with longer ring fingers (I think this was referred to as the low something something. I couldn't remember) showed aggressive traits when dealing with challenging tasks. I'm normally a very relaxed person but I tend to get really really physically and verbally aggressive when people piss me off. And by really really I mean REALLY REALLY.
I think that the probability of me getting into a physical fight with a man is very high if that man does something that can really really piss me off . I have my mom's brute strength in this department so I think it's possible. Plus I have this stupid ego most people don't know about. It's not obvious, but I can feel it taking over me sometimes which explains my sudden mood swings. And I think that's the best alternative for me to handle my ever-expanding ego right now. Everybody is equipped with egos. The problem comes in how you handle them. My handling is shit, so whatever.
Anyways what was I talking about in the first place again? I hate digression.