Rants III

If you were given another chance at life, would you do it differently?

You know, I can't really answer this question. Because there are some parts of me that I love and some that I hate. But the parts that I hate makes the part that I love. I mean, without the parts that I hate doing what they had done, I wouldn't have the parts that I love. It's all one big complicated cycle. But whatever. Nobody gets what I'm trying to say most of the time anyways.

So I was supposed to go to the library today because I'm bored out of my wits because I just feel very alone in this small compartment of mine because I am alone because my roommates went to godknowswhere they were gone by the time I woke up. So here I am in front of the laptop trying to live a life but failing, miserably. I mean, who lives a life in front of a laptop. People go outside and socialize and have fun okay, that's what living a life is all about. I wanted to go to the library to borrow a few books so that I wouldn't be so bored. As nice as it is to have internet here, it would've been nicer to have a broadband as well.

But because I am always fucking broke, I can't afford a broadband. And a couple of other things as well. I hate having to depend on my parents for money I HATE IT. They wouldn't let me work and I hate that too. I'm 19 so I should know how to take care of myself. I have my principals and my beliefs so seriously, they shouldn't be worried about me mixing with the wrong group of people (which is what they were obsessing about whenever I told them I wanted to work) or whatever. I had learned my lesson from before and I'm not stupid enough to do the same mistake twice without any realization that I am doing it.

I am so stressed out that even surfing the nest is pissing me off. I don't know, I'm just not contented yet. With anything. Emotionally, financially, mentally. I'm not happy with myself. And that sucks because I can't remember the last time I was happy with myself and with what I had. People always say that you won't get the things you want but you'll get the ones you need NOW I NEED A FUCKING BROADBAND HOW COME I DON'T HAVE ONE YET HUH. I must be so pissed to have the f-word come out loud in public. My sisters would flip, they always do.

When I say fucking accompanied by an adjective, it's to emphasize the adjective. Not just random cursing. And I find fricking or friggin not satisfactory enough so when I am in the mood and I feel like saying what I want to say, I used fucking instead. Plus I read the paper a few months back saying how they had done research which shows that if you curse when you're in pain, it'll make you feel better. Psychology's weird like that. But it works for me and that is all I care about. And not just physical pain too, I think it works on emotional pain as well. Although I don't really know why am I in pain but saying the f-word followed by 'it all' really does make me feel better.

And don't judge me on the f-word. People have this kind of mentality where everyone who curses are sluts and whores and cheap bitches. I know, I had that kind of mentality before too but I've grown out of it because the level of immaturity didn't fit me very well. I'll be 20 next year so I think I pretty much have the right to say whatever I want to say without judgmental glares or pointing fingers in my face. It's just a part of who I am. The neutral part. Because I don't hate cursing and I absolutely don't like it. It's like a quick getaway for me.

I am so stressed out and pissed off I can't even think straight anymore. I think I'll go listen to my iPod now.