Here is to what we are. Or what is left of us.

Emotions, emotions, emotions.

I wish I had less of them. I have been a very emotional person as far as I can remember. I get upset and emotional over every little stupid thing. It kind of runs in the family. Except my dad. He's always very calm and relaxed. I wonder how he does that. Or maybe it's because I'm a girl and I'm meant to have all these emotions in me. Hmm.

Anyways, I'm tired of being emotional. I wish I could just stop giving any fucks so that I won't be so depressed when something emotion-related happens. Like if my cat dies. If I have a cat that is. I'm sure I'd be pretty depressed for a minimum of a week. I mean, it's my cat we're talking about. And it's no longer there for me. I wouldn't be able to cuddle with it anymore. Or feed it. Or talk to it. Or pat it. The feeling's kind of different knowing that my pet cat is no longer here with me. RIP my imaginable pet cat.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotional release for quite a few days now. Thank God it's not that bad to the extent that I can't even study anything. Plus I have a test coming up tomorrow. Linguistics. And I don't understand shit about chapter six. There's only so many things to learn in a chapter it's getting exhausting! I can't wait for this semester to end. Ayunie's gonna start next semester OMGGGG! I swear I'm so excited at the prospect of seeing her face everyday until I puke out of an overdose of Ayunie lol. Nah that's unlikely :P


Hmm I don't know what to write about anymore. I'm having a lot of thoughts in my mind. But they're the kin of thoughts that you can't really say out loud. Private thoughts, yes. So I'm just gonna go drown in my sorrow  and start studying on chapter 6. Plus I need to memorize the phonetic alphabets. K bye.

Sorry. I can't think of a title.

I went to One Utama with Lee and Bam today. Anyways (directed at Lee and Bam, but you can read it too like DUH of course you can read it) do you notice how our nicknames have only three letters in them? Lee, Bam, Koz. Oh and Amr's too. I used to say Amr with a very prominent R sound but then I heard how Lee pronounced it and I started pronouncing it as Am which doesn't sound as retarded at pronouncing it as Amr with a strong R. It usually ends up sounding like AMMER. HUMMER HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Ok I really shouldn't make fun of Amrina's nickname ._.

So anyways (CAN SOMEBODY SUGGEST ANOTHER PARAGRAPH OPENING FOR ME? URRRGGHH) it's been quite a while since I saw Lee and Bam so it was very nice to get to spend the whole day with them. Lee was supposed to come and pick me up and 1030 but due to unavoidable (MEH) circumstances she arrived like an hour later ._.  They were calling me like every 5 minutes asking for directions and I THINK I guided them clearly enough through the phone but it turned out that my sense of direction sucks. Even on our way to One Utama with ME in the car and Lee driving around MY neighborhood we nearly made a few wrong turns. I have just realized that I have problems with my right and left side. When lee asked, "Right of left?" I had to show her the direction with my hand which pissed her off because she was driving and what the hell was I doing showing her the directions with my hands instead of just saying it out loud.

She kept screaming at me. It was frightening ._.

So after a lot of screaming and tarts being eaten(?) we reached our destination and parked the car and yada yada yada and walked and yada yada yada and ate at Johny's where the food is surprisingly quite cheap. Lee had green colored noodles wtf. I think they were called Spinach noodles. I forgot to ask her how were they. But she finished it. So either it tastes ok or Lee is a pig and eats every single thing in her way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ok I'm just kidding you're not a pig please don't scream at me.

Bam ate this weird rice and BBQ chicken thing which looks very boring and I had kuey tiaw soup which IS very boring because I didn't know what else to eat. I wanted to try the steamboat but it's too time consuming and it's not like we have until 11pm to stay out. My dad asked me just now "What time did you reach home?" and I answered, "About five pm" and he went, "SO LATE?" and I was like looking at him and going ._.

Dad, I love you and everything but you have to understand that I'm 20 years old already. Yes Dad, your youngest little girl has grown up into this young bitch lady and she can manage herself pretty well without you having to worry about her. I think I'm doing okay so far. So you don't have to worry about me. I promise I won't have unprotected sex before marriage and get impregnated by some random guy on the streets if that's what you're worried about It's all right to have a little trust in this young lady :)

Lol what the hell I sounded so grown up just now. But I really do think that 20 is a big number. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'M AN ADULT NOW BITCHES! And you could hear me saying that exact sentence in two months time when my birthday comes lol. I'm still nineteen right now. But feeling so twenty already wtf. I'll get married in five years time and then comes the baby :O

Ok let's not get THAT carried away.

So today was really fun. Lee acted like a drunkard on cough syrup all day long lol. It was secretly entertaining because seriously, how much close would you get to a drunkard act-a-like if not your awesome as hell friends? And I mean that in a nice okay DON'T SCREAM AT ME. God, I can still hear you voice ringing in my head I swear ._. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight. A nightmare which would comprise of Lee yelling and screaming and shrieking at me throughout our journey from Malaysia to Ice Land. By foot. Carrying Polar Bears.

DAMN THAT WOULD BE ONE HELL OF A NIGHTMARE.

Ok scratch the Polar Bear part that was just plain stupid wtf.

Oh and I bought a new pair of jeans today! I initially wanted to try another pair but they were too similar to a pair that I already own so when Lee found this really nice comfortable wide leg jeans I just HAD to beg her to let me have it. HAHA Ok so maybe I didn't beg her. She was all, "Meh. Judging by the long legs they'd probably suit you better anyways." So I tried them on and I was like SO IN LOVE WITH THE CUTTING AND THE FABRIC AND THE BUTTONS AND OHMYGOD IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT SO MUCH LOVE FOR AN INANIMATE OBJECT I ALMOST WANTED TO RUN AROUND THE SHOP WITHOUT MY PANTS ON AND SCREAM IN DELIGHT.

But they were actually a bit too long so I'm gonna have to ask somebody to alter it so that it would fit ._.

BUT WHATEVER I LOVE IT.

And if you're wondering why isn't there any pictures it's because Lee hadn't put them up yet. One of the reasons why I love going out with her is that she will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS upload the pictures we've taken with her big camera on that day into a whole new album♥

Oh and I wore a skirt today for the second time this year. I think I'm starting to like it. It makes me feel so..gay. In a good way. Don't ask me how gay in a good way is like I don't get what I myself am saying half of the time lol. So there you have it a motherfather long post because I felt guilty I hadn't updated this blog for quite sometime :(  Only 4 posts in January WTF is wrong with me. I must blog more often after this or I'll lose my innate writing skills whatever that's supposed to mean.

I'm going to end this post with a disturbing picture of me, Lee and Bam eating Subway because we're awesome shizz like that yo.

Eh lupa pulak aku ada blog

I wore a skirt to class today. It felt weird lol I was so conscious of myself the whole day I kept looking at mirrors everytime I walk pass one. I am really NOT a skirt person mind you. I feel so gay wearing them which is what I shouldn't be feeling because I am a girl after all and girls don't just feel gay. Unless they like another girl. But that's a whole different story. The last time I wore a skirt was when I went to Terengganu 4 months ago. And that was the first time in many many many years.  I would totally rock pencil skirts but I'm a hijabi so yeah lol.

Nurul and Najwa wore skirts too today. We were supposed to wear them on Tuesday but I couldn't find anything to wear mine with so I didn't. And being self conscious of how I look in a skirt doesn't really help too. But Kartika said I look really nice in a skirt prolly because I'm kind of tall so that made me feel a little better hehe.

My first post in almost two weeks and I end up talking about skirts.

Great.

OH MY GOD I almost forgot that I'm going back home tomorrow! Can't wait to see my nephews. Plus my dad is picking me up tomorrow because I called my mom yesterday and asked her to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come and pick me up mainly because I can't stand going back home by KTM. I don't have a proper backpack for my laptop so I had to used a normal backpack and my shoulders hurt like hell everytime I lunge that thing home. That thing, my laptop, yes. Maybe I secretly have osteoporosis ._. God I hope not. I heard that when you're pregnant you'll need a lot of calcium for your baby's growth and you'll end up losing a few teeth or something. I don't really care about the teeth part because if my child pisses me off I can just tell pull off his/her teeth as revenge HHEGhhehGEHEGHgehgHGEHEGHGhge. Yes, I am going to be a creepy mother.

So anyways (I just HAD to use this) I had three mid term papers this week. No, Mass Com was last week. Poetry and BM was yesterday. I only slept for an hour when I was studying for my Mass Com because eventhough only 4 chapters were included, they were 4 REAAALLLLYYY REEEAAALLLYYY LOOOONNNGGGG chapters. Thank God for Nurul and Mee otherwise I would've slept at 10 and not wake up in the middle of the night to study hihi.

I think I shall go have some more sleep because I was so deprived of sleep that I overslept this morning. I woke up at 0935 and started freaking out because class was at 10 and this was the kind of class where you would have to sit on the floor of you were late. Lol ok so maybe not on the floor. But this class was so packed it's almost impossible to find yourself a seat if you turn up late. And because I was late today I didn't get to sit at my usual spot. Instead I end up sitting between Eryna and this half chinese half malay guy who looks like Fatim OH MY LAWD I SWEAR ON THE CUTE PURPLE COVER OF MY ITOUCH HE IS THE MALE VERSION OF FATIM THEY COULD'VE EASILY PASSED AS TWINS I TELL YOU. His complexion, his nose, his eyes and the fact that he is really thin MAKES HIM LOOK 99.9999% LIKE FATIM I AM SO GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM.

And I don't care how creepy I'd look. IT MUST BE DONE.

Ok I'm going to get more sleep so that I can function normally tonight. Bonne Nuit! Well, not yet but whatever.

PTPTN

You could not imagine my relief as I handed my PTPTN forms to that akak this evening. I should be relived. I kind of went through hell for that. It's true. They'll make you run for the money. In my case, they made me wet. Well not technically anyway. And by wet I mean rain-wet. Not the perverted kind of wet. Whatever.

So how my PTPTN story begins ;

I went to the Main Audi at exactly 2pm today because I want to be first in line because I hate waiting for such a long time only to have that thing done in seconds. Like handing the PTPTN form. So I waited for like half an hours before a guy from the office prolly showed up to certify my documents and stuff. Good looking, he is indeed :B So after that I went inside the Main Audi to hand in my forms but there was this small queue so I and Nurul sat for a while at the front row while Mee settled in at the back of the hall. So after a few minutes my turn finally came up and I went to that guy in the PTPTN uniform to have him check my forms and all the signatures and whatever other shits that they wanted to check.

AND GUESS WHAT?

Absolutely nobody told me that I had to do that bloody bloody cetak maklumat thing which of course I didn't and I was asked to go and do it right there and then because they wouldn't accept my form otherwise. Fruck knows what website was I supposed to log into. So anyways I went running through the rain with a very crumpled PTPTN offer letter (they told me to make a copy of this one too) in my bag and rain gaily coming down on me. Whatever that's supposed to mean. So first I went to the photocopy shop to potosetet my offer letter and after that I was all WTF WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PRINT THAT THING because apparently, the photocopy shops around that area doesn't have internet connection FML.

So anyways I was panicking and calling messaging Nurul asking her if she knows where the nearest CC is which she doesn't of course. It couldn't get any better than this could it. So I wandered back and forth the shops for like 10 minutes because it was raining to heavily and I didn't know where on earth I should go to print that stupid mofoing thing. And a few minutes later Nurul send me a message saying I have to go the ITD and save a copy there and then bring it to the printing shop. So I went to the ITD and made a few wrong turns before finding the lady lab. I almost went into the gent's lab because I was so desperate I swear.

So I found a vacant computer and I logged in and immediately clicked open the Internet Explorer. The internet was so amusingly awesome in that lab that the PTPTN website opened in a matter of moments. So anyways I typed in my IC and my password and THEY WOULDN'T LOG ME IN. "Sila masukkan nombor kad pengenalan yang anda gunakan semasa pendaftaran" kept popping up whenever I tried to log in. So then I rummaged in my bag for my thumbdrive and what would I find other than the fact that I left my thumbdrive in my room? I know, I am so awesome things just have to fall that way. And there I was, unable to log in and with no thumbdrive looking at the clock as it ticks away precious time. The weight of the situation finally hit me in the face and I was on the verge of tears because I didn't know what to do and I keep messaging Mee and Nurul asking for help (I made them depressed too lol) when it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I could ask Sasa.

And so I send her a message asking her for the exact website and her reply made me realize that I had been wasting nearly 45 minutes trying to log in on the wrong website. HOW BLOODY STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN. After that I quickly logged in and searched for that cetak maklumat thing but I had another problem. WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A THUMBDRIVE? I considered asking the stranger sitting next to me for a QUITE while when Gihah called my name. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO IMAGINE HOW RELIEVED I WAS WHEN SHE TOLD ME I COULD BORROW HER THUMBDRIVE. I promise I will belanja you when my money comes in Gihah, I PROMISE YOU. At that time I was sure that Allah had sent her to me. I know it sounds silly, but Allah works in mysterious ways doesn't he? Hihi.

So after saving the file on Gihah's thumbdrive (she was such a darling. She told me I could return her thumbdrive through Nas or Ira and that she didn't need it in a hurry ♥) I raced out of ITD and down the stairs and then I half walked half ran to the printing shop. I plugged in the thumbdrive and voila! The only thing I have to do now is click the printer icon. So I clicked it and waited for the papers to be printed. But the outcome was horrible. The fonts were too big so my info was kind of off the papers so the papers looked incomplete and I remembered Sasa telling me that if my infos don't fit on the paper, I should try printing it landscaped. So I did. But I still had to pay for the odd ones though. Sigh. By the time I finished printing it was already 4pm.

So I ran back to the main audi to find it completely empty of students and the PTPTN people looked like they were already packing their stuffs. The guy who was dealing with me earlier was talking to Mee and Nurul and when I showed up he was all, "Hah, dah print?" So I showed him the landscaped cetak maklumat thing and his friend went, "AARGGHH DIE PRINT LANDSCAPE PULAAKK" I seriously considered crying and begging them to accept my from at that time. Seriously. Anyways I panicked again and tears start swelling up in my eyes when the guy told me to follow him to the counter with all my forms. So I did. And he was going through all of them and making conversation with me when he suddenly said, "Dik, awak hantar dengan second group la eh?" (Today is the last day for the people from the first group to submit and the second group will be formed around end of february) So naturally I started freaking out and had tears in my eyes again because I thought that he had accepted my form. So I asked him, "Uhh. Habes semue ni kene buat balik ke?" and he answered, "Haah, kena buat balik" I was like WTF THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I AM GOING THROUGH THAT KIND OF HELL AGAIN and I think he could see I was starting to cry so he laughed and handed me the form while saying, "Ha nah, pegi hanta kat kakak tu."

I went to this lady and handed her the form. She asked me for my IC and while she was keying in my details I asked her, "Umm kak, ade possibility nak kene reject tak borang saye ni?" Because I was mega freaked out and to my surprise the lady said, "Reject? takdelah dik. Ape-ape jadi pun duit mesti kitorang masuk punye"

That guy lied to me. Bastard.

So anyways I was so relieved after that I went to Mee and Nurul and bawled my eyes out because I couldn't stand the pressure any longer and they started freaking out when they saw me cry lol.

So that was it, my PTPTN story. I do hope I'll never have an episode similar to that ever again. A big thanks to Ayunie for posting my transcript from Nilai, to Sasa for briefing me on what to do when I was panicking like a madman, to Gihah for lending me her thumbdrive and of course to Nurul and Mee for having to wait for me for hours and for comforting me when I cried. You guys are eligible to pester me for a treat the moment my money comes in. I ♥ my friends :)

Rants III. Or is it IV?

I used to love looking at really gory 18SG pictures before. Like pictures of people being stabbed and cut up and people taht went through some kind of shredder and things like that. But after I opened this Oh!Tidak website I got overdosed with gory pictures and now I can't even look at even a slightly gory picture. It has become very puke-inducing for me. Just now one of my friends on facebook posted this link from Oh!Media about this woman who either committed suicide or was killed in her filled bathtub and she was found like, weeks later. So if you are a fan of gory pictures you can prolly imagine what the pictures look like. Thankgod I haven't eaten my lunch yet. Thank God.

So anyways (do you realize how frequently I use this phrase when starting the second paragraph? Lol) I think I'm getting pretty good on the not-giving-a-damn-about-boyfriends thing. My shabby sense of style and my tone of voice when I talk to guys are major contributors I should think. You know how you have these different tone of voices depending on whom you're speaking to? When I speak with older people it would be the miss goody two-shoes tone of voice but when I speak with my friends I would use the LOLWUTOMGWTF tone of voice. But when I speak with guys (those who I'm not comfortable around with anyways. When I speak to close guy friend I use the Hi-I'm-a-nice-friend-aren't-I tone) I usually make use of the defensive tone which would of course, shoo them away from any prospects of having me as a girlfriend. Yay me.

Meanwhile, the PTPTN thing has  made me go absolutely bonkers because it's just so complicated and there's just so many things to do in a short period of time! I hate doing things like this. I really do. Although I have to admit that I work best under pressure, but a bit too much pressure won't do anybody any good would it? So I still haven't had my papers verified by the Dean of the Kuliyyah yet. I hope to do that tomorrow otherwise I can just wave bye bye to my loan. Sobs. I really need that loan ok mostly because I don't like to use my parents' money for entertainment which I do a lot lol. I'll feel really really guilty afterward and I'll go spiraling deep down into temporary depression which I always do ._.

If this is the fuss I have to go through in order to apply a loan, I can't imagine what complicated things I must do when I apply for a scholarship. Funfact: Did you know that out of all the scholars I checked out on the scholarship website only one company (NST) offers a scholarship for English Majors? LIKE WTF ONLY ONE. English is a very important field ok T_T And the government goes around telling everybody how they must acquire english for future use but at the same time they don't provide a special scholarship for English Majors! I demand that the Ministry of Higher Education (if there is such thing) do something about this. I don't want to depend on PTPTN until I graduate. What if I don't find work immediately after I graduate? WHO'S GONNA PAY MY FRICKIN LOAN FOR MEEEEEE.

This is depressing.

It's funny how easily depressed I get. One minute I'm all smiles and thinking about my supposedly bright future and the next I'll be all gloomy and tensed because I don't really know what I would be. I mean, I do have a plan for myself but what if it doesn't go accordingly? What if I mess up along the way and I'll end up being a hobo AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO MUCH DEPRESSIONNNN.

Anyways I think I'm out of things to say. I'll end this post with a picture of Kartika, Me, Ayunie and Mee because I know that all of us miss her :')

STOP ASKING ME TO PUT A DAMN TITLE HERE DAMN IT

I have finally accepted the fact that I will never have a boyfriend. Today while I was walking back from class it suddenly hit me that all the hot guys are either taken or gay and I don't have the heart to date guy whom I'm not physically attracted to. I think this has something to do with my dream last night. I dreamed about being forced into marriage with this average chinese looking guy. I'm going to assume he's a Muslim because unless he is, my dad probably wouldn't force me to marry him. Er, right?

I think my dad was declared bankrupt or something in that dream because my whole family was living with me, and my husband and his family. And apparently, I have a son with him. I remember not liking him at all during the early stages of our marriage but somehow my love for him developed throughout our marriage and strengthened when our first son (who looks very much like his father) was born. Oh and did I tell you that my husband is a pekerja kilang? Or a petani. Either one. We kind of live in a hut and I was rebelling because I'm not used to that kind of life. I know, I can be a bitch.

So anyways the only thing that made me remember the dream so prominently was his love for me. I felt so loved in that dream. And I really, really, really love that feeling. I feel loved and appreciated and cared for eventhough we waren't living in a multimillion dollar mansion by the lake. I was just happy to have my husband and my son by my side. It's kind of a weird dream for me to be having and I don't know if that's just some random meaningless dream or my future husband actually looks like that lol. So that prolly means I'm marrying a chinese convert. Because he looks really chinese. Just and average looking chinese. But I loved him (in that dream) and for a moment I felt as if that was all that matters.

But then of course, I woke up and realized that I am still single and miserable.

So I came up with a new year (this might be a bit too late. But whatever) resolution for myself. The only one because I doubt I would be able to achieve anything in my resolution list if I made such a list. I'm just not very disciplined. My new year resolution is to not give a rat's ass about boyfriends, ever. I'm tired of this, I really am. I don't care if my friends have thirty boyfriends each anymore. I just refuse to care. And I think it's better that way because for once, I can stop feeling bad about myself because nobody is physically attracted to me whatsoever. I don't care. I just don't care anymore.

I think one of the reasons as to why I still don't have a boyfriend is prolly because of over exposure to testosterone while I was in the womb. Seriously. I googled about women who have ring fingers that are longer than their index fingers and the result came up like that. Plus they also conducted a research on this and it shows that women with longer ring fingers (I think this was referred to as the low something something. I couldn't remember) showed aggressive traits when dealing with challenging tasks. I'm normally a very relaxed person but I tend to get really really physically and verbally aggressive when people piss me off. And by really really I mean REALLY REALLY.

I think that the probability of me getting into a physical fight with a man is very high if that man does something that can really really piss me off . I have my mom's brute strength in this department so I think it's possible. Plus I have this stupid ego most people don't know about. It's not obvious, but I can feel it taking over me sometimes which explains my sudden mood swings. And I think that's the best alternative for me to handle my ever-expanding ego right now. Everybody is equipped with egos. The problem comes in how you handle them. My handling is shit, so whatever.

Anyways what was I talking about in the first place again? I hate digression.

On the last day

Looks like I won't be seeing the fireworks this year too. Great. Not that I've ever seen the firework display before. It just seems nice to look at with a group of friends.

So anyways today is a busy day because something-I-can't-mention is happening and is taking place at my house. Meme told me Rasulullah cakap tak baik sebarkan this thing that is gonna happen. Take a guess lol. And tomorrow there will be a big celebration for my Tok Mama who is going to turn 80 this year or something. Dua hari berturut-turut rumah kau penuh orang. Bayangkan Mak jadi neat freak dua hari berturut-turut. Yerghhhh

Today is the last day of 2010 like wtf time flies so fast weh. Some of my friends are freaked out on the prospect of turning 20 because it's such a huge number ._. I think 20 sounds like a sensible, I'm-gonna-get-married-in-five-years age. Lol I hope. But I don't really care about turning twenty. I'm still five on the inside. Hihi. Plus I like being a little older. It makes me feel like very..grown up. And that also means another forever alone year for me. Yay -_-

5 more years till I get married 5 more years baybeeee!

Oh and sudah-sudahla buat new year resolution tu. Bukannya kau berusaha nak mencapai resolution kau pun. Setiap tahun benda sama je dalam list. Buat sebab semua orang buat. Lol cepat betul succumb dekat peer pressure. Dahlah tahun baru bukan Islam pulak tu. Ish ish ish.

So anyways dah 5 tahun berturut-turut aku ada post on the 31st of December :B Haha sukeee.