Sometimes I really really wish that I was 25 years old so that I can get married and get the whole damn thing over with. Peer pressure is really getting the best of me. Everyday I'm faced with stories by my friends telling me how sweet their boyfriends were to them or what their boyfriends gave them or how joyful it was to spend their weekend with their boyfriend or whatever. I am honestly sick of all those shits circulating in my brain for godknows how many days making me feel more and more miserable by the minute.
SO WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN BOYFRIEND?
Ok I know that as a friend I must be a good listener and listen to everything that my friends tell me. But c'mooonn. It's not like I'm a robot ok. I have feelings too. And don't you think by telling me all those sugar coated stories I wouldn't be influenced to want to have a boyfriend too? (Not that anybody would want to be my boyfriend but, you know) I'm trying as as best as I can right now to save up myself for my husband. I don't want to be intimate with any guys even as friends because I know I might end up being a lot more than friends. I want my husband to be the first lelaki ajnabi to hold my hand, to share a kiss with me. I want my husband to have the first everything.
I'm very much aware of the fact that my Iman isn't that strong and I'm not such a religious person myself. And I'm not saying this is a I'm-proud-that-I'm-not-religious tone but rather in a I-hope-I'll-be-a-lot-more-religious-in-the-fture tone. I don't know it's just that sometimes I feel that it's so hard being me. Being in my shoes. Feeling what I'm feeling. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are doing a lot more worse that I am but still, I'm getting really sick of all this.
I'm sick of not having a boyfriend like everyone else, I'm sick of not being attached to my phone like everyone else does, I'm sick of not having anyone to talk to when I feel like talking to someone who doesn't consider me as only a friend. Yes, I'll say it here out loud. There have been a lot of times in which I wish that I have a boyfriend too, just like everybody else. I know this may sound really stupid and insignificant to some people because there are other far more important issues to deal with out there but that's just how I really feel right now. It's so hard being me. I honestly think that I repel men. Nobody is attracted to me. You may say that I'm still young and it doesn't really matter if nobody is attracted to me but TO ME IT DOES OK. IT FRICKING DOES. It gives a boost to my self confidence in a sense that I know that I'm nice enough to have a guy like me. But nooooooooooooooooo, here I am in Loser Ville with nobody but myself. Alone. Without anybody in the same boat.
Sometimes I really wish that all my friends are single. That everyone is like me. Single and men-repelling. That's quite a nice thought. But of course that would be possible because most of my friends aren't single. And even if they are, they have scandals or whatever you call them. BUT ME? I DONT EVEN HAVE ONE FRICKIN SCANDAL!!
Not that I want to have a scandal but it would be nice lah to know that at least one human being is into you. Somehow.
And the fact that the people I like never like me back is really bugging me. I mean, I know I'm not the hotshit kind of attractive but like WTH NOT EVEN ONE GUY? Am I really that ugly? T_T
Sigh. You should know though that I'm not promoting myself or looking for a boyfriend here or writing this hoping that my crush will suddenly reciprocate my feelings or something. It's just that I feel that it's so hard to deal with on a frickin daily basis. You hear the same shit all day long and you just kind of think ,"Awwww I wish somebody would do that to meeee." or "How come nobody says that to mee" or whatever. I don't want a boyfriend right now. Really, I don't. The next guy I'm getting serious with will be the one I'm marrying. So I'll prolly have to keep my sanity until my fourth year in university before I can find a husband for myself. So that means that I'll have to keep up with this shit for another FOUR YEARS WTF SO LONG LAH I'LL DIE A VIRGIN THENN.
Okay 4 years isn't THAT long right? I mean, it'll just be like umm, 48 months. And 192 weeks. Which is also equal to 70080 DAYS WTTTTFFFFFFFFF SO FRIGGIN LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG.
Dear God please help me get through all this all right. I want my husband to be my first everything please please pleaasssseeeeeeeeeee!