I cant' think straight. Thoughts are racing through my mind like speeding bullets, set to kill. As it collides with every inch of my brain I felt a sharp tingle. I can't stop thinking. But I don't even know what am I thinking about. It's just a big giant blur inside my brain. I can't think clearly. I don't even know this feeling that I'm experiencing.
It's all a big humongous gigantic blur.
If this is what I'm supposed to be good at, then why am I not satisfied with the outcome? I feel bad for all those people who had high hopes for me. This is only the start and I feel as if I've shattered their hopes into half.
I don't want shitty marks. I want to be the one on top. I have made the effort. But why do I feel like my effort isn't paying off? Was I using the wrong method?
I feel like I've lost something. I don't want that smile to falter. The smile that had so much kept my spirits up. The smile I long for. The smile I adore looking at. The smile that makes me smile from ear to ear. The smile that says "I'm proud of you."
I don't want that smile I love so much to morph into a frown. I don't want the curve to be drawn vice versa. I don't want it. I don't.
From this moment on I'm going to promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to keep that smile on that face. I will do anything in my power, everything I'm capable of doing to keep that smile on. Witness readers, my vow to myself. And I ask for your good conscience to remind me of what I have said here and now.
Remind me of the smile. Remind me of the explicit meaning that the particular smile gives. Remind me, please remind me.
Such hectic this week had been and it's only Monday. Such emotion that a paper can trigger. Such disappointment can be felt by person from the gift of sight. Such a powerful feeling a person can experience from an effort so blatantly done.
I shall not be something I loathe, but I shall loathe myself if I could not be something.
My emotions are still running wild. Save me.