To the answers that are still trapped inside of you, I hope you'll find your way out one day.

Sometimes, you just have no idea what you seem to be doing. You just go with the flow, tagging along life as it creeps slowly past you in dead silence. And when you finally start to notice where it has taken you, you start freaking out. Because you don't think you're ready for the bigger things that are coming. Your biggest issue, your greatest fear . You are never ready.

Change, please? For the greater good.

Day 08 - A Picture That Makes You Laugh

Because I look like a hippo.

Day 07 - A Picture Of Your Shoes

Well this one is a bit peculiar. Why would anyone be interested in seeing a picture of my shoes ._. oh well.

Last week I bought a new pair of shoes because I had been wearing my old pair for almost a year and a half already so you can imagine how worn out they were. But that was my favorite pair of shoes T_T They were grey-colored jelly shoes and are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have ever owned. They're really flat and you know how much I'm obsessed with flats because I'm gigantic I'm kind of tall and I don't really need heels so flats are the best option for me :)

I think I'm going to put a picture of my old pair of shoes as a tribute(?) to it for being a really awesome pair of shoes and my new one to mark the start of a new shoe-ship(??)

It surprises me how much sense I don't seem to make sometimes.

I've always liked this picture :) of course this was last year during the Terengganu trip at some jetty nearby Yunie's house. Such a nice place to take pictures. You can see my shoes here :D They still look nice in this picture. Now they look so worn out already :( But if I ever came across a similar pair I will definitely snatch it.

And these are my new pair of shoes! :D Quite comfortable because they're made of some soft fabric but still ada blisters jugaklah sebab new shoes kan. I bought them in this color so they would camouflage nicely with the color of my feet :3 But I've only worn them once so I can't really say whether they're a good buy or not ._.

So there you are. Day 7.

The Debate part II

Bitch, you're gonna have to pull yourself together.

I know. Stop telling me that. I know what I'm supposed to do okay. Jeez, woman.

Na'ah. You don't know shit about what you're supposed to do.

How do you know that?

Because if you did, You would've done it instead of hesitating all the time.

I..just don't have the heart to do it..

Are you stupid or something? You saw what happened. You know where this is going. Why are you still like this?

Can you stop asking me questions? You're giving me a headache.

I will stop asking you questions if you'd just stop being so damn stupid.

I'm not stupid I just don't think tha-

Shut up and listen to me. BUCKLE UP BITCH. Nobody's going to wait for you. Nothing's going to happen if you don't do anything. You're the only one who can change this. What the hell are you waiting for? Some kind of epiphany? You better start acting now.

I CAN'T OKAY? I JUST CAN'T. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THINGS THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO. I like how I am right now. I feel happy.

Happy? Are you kidding me? LOOK AT YOURSELF? I don't see happiness anywhere. You might as well say you're jovial in agony. LOL the irony.

Not really helping.

Well it's not my fault you wouldn't listen. Stubborn-ass bitch.

Oh just shut up will you. Go away.

No I won't. If I go away, your sense of logic will follow suit and you will be left a screwed 20 year old.

Like I'm not screwed enough already.

No you're not. You can still make amends to yourself. I know you. I know all your strengths and weakness. I know you can do it. I have faith in you.

I..don't know..

Don't let it weigh you down. Don't let it meddle with the way you think. Don't let it play with your head.

I won't promise you anything but.. I'll try. Just don't keep on blaming me if it doesn't work okay.

Don't just say you're gonna try for the sake of saying it. Mean it, bitch. MEAN IT.

Okay, fine I will try my best to right the wrong that I have done. Happy?

Much better.

Day 06 - A Picture That Shows Your True Self

I find the title of today's picture very vague. My true self? What's that supposed to mean? I'm a different person around my friend and an entirely different person around my parents and other adults. But I like myself best when I'm with my friends. When I'm around my friends I laugh and make faces a lot. So here's a picture that show's who I really am ;)

Tadaaaaaa ._. I honestly didn't know why I looked the way I look. But Yunie is laughing so somebody prolly said something funny..or something.

So there you go! Day 6 :)

Day 05 - A Picture Of Somewhere You've Been To

So I didn't post yesterday because day 4 states 'a habit that you wish you didn't have." wtf? Does that mean i have to scout around for a picture of me biting my nails? Yep, my worst habit. I've been nail-biting since I was 8. When I was 13 I bit one of my nails until only half was left. LOL good times. I'm not such an avid nail-biter as I was now, but I still do occasionally bite my nails. Unknowingly, because you know, it's a habit. You don't actually realize you're doing it.

So here we are at day 5.

Well, frankly I've been to a lot of places. But I think I'm gonna put a picture of me on my Sabah trip earlier this year.

*7 seconds later*

Oh right. I just realized that I forgot to copy my Sabah pictures folder to my new laptop. FML maximum. But I can always take them from Lin's laptop or whatever. No big deal. So I guess I'll just have to find another picture. Let's see what's left of my photo album -.-

Oh wow look what I found. Went to Perth when I was 5. My first overseas trip :) I was so happy because I got to feed the kangaroos lol. They were so cute! And I look so...small. Well, I WAS five. But seriously was I that short? ._.

So there you are. Day 5.

Day 03 - A Photo Of You And Your Craziest Friend

I think I have to upload more than 1 picture for this one because most of my friends are crazy lol. But I have friends from different parts of my life so it's not possible to upload just one picture with all of us in it because there is no such picture ._. K so Imma upload two pictures then hehe.

The first one will be the picture of my school friends. They were the craziest people I have ever met back then. I got sent to the bilik disiplin a lot of times because I did things that I'm not supposed to do of course. Like play around with the fire extinguisher and having to pay for the damages done (although the boys opened it first they should totally be the ones who paid for it, not us -.-) or make the Science teacher scream at us and drag us out of the lab. Boy, those were the days.

13 is the craziest year I have lived so far. My maturity level dropped down to negatives. I didn't care about my studies, I didn't care about how my parents would feel if they knew what I did ; I just wanted to have fun with my gang. And as a result, 2004 was the most badass year of my life. I grew up a bit when I turned 14 so I wasn't any fun anymore lol. I stopped doing crazy things because of that. That's the horrible part about growing up. You tend to think that fun things are always immature and because you desperately want to show people how much you've grown into a matured, young lady you stopped having fun :\

Growing up sucks. But staying immature doesn't really do much help to yourself either. I think it's best to have a bit of both in yourself. Don't be too serious and don't be too immature. There are times when you need to be mature and rational and there will also be times when you need to act like a 5 year old. Do things accordingly for maximum satisfaction!

So this is a picture taken with my school friends, who have sticked with me through thick and thin, who have comforted me whenever I was teased and most importantly, who are still friends with me regardless of the crazy shit I put myself into sometimes.

I wanted to put a picture of the ten of us when we were 13 but I forgot to ask Lee to take a picture of it using her camera :\ Maigod, look Hasan is in here too! (although he looks totally disconnected from the crowd) That should be fair enough because as far as I'm concerned he's one of the craziest guy I've ever met lol.

And the next picture I'd like to put is of my UIA friends not because they're my closest friends but because they also happen to be not right at the mind :p Mainly Mee, Yunie, Kartika, Faie and Nurul. But I don't really have a picture of us together so I'll just put a picture of me, Mee, Yunie and Kartika when I went to Terengganu last year :3

K I purposely had this one up because Kartika looked super energetic in it HAHAHAHAHA. Lompat tak ikut time ftw! Love these guys to bits :)

Day 02 - A Really Good Memory

Woah this one should be hard to pick. Well, by far I think my best memories were made when we went to that Melaka trip last year. I love nothing more than to be surrounded by the people I love all the time :)

So I'm going to pick a picture of us while we were having fun there!

Continuos shooting so we ended up looking bersepah lol. God, I miss being around these people :')

The 30 days photo challenge. I have succumbed to it.

I've always thought the word succumb sounds a bit like cucumber.

K.

So anyways I decided to do this, um thing so that I'll have a reason to update my blog everyday. And I have to put in pictures too! yeay!

So yes, Day 1.

Day 01 - A recent picture of you.

K. I'm vain and i love camwhoring no matter how big the camera might or might not be. This was 2 days ago, when we were waiting for Fatim to get ready sebab nak pergi that bazaar muhibbah(?) nearby. The camera was in my hands, I was not thinking straight so I am not to be blamed. LOL so serious. But seriously, I'm vain. Even my mum says so. If I get my hands on a compact mirror I would have difficulties in letting it go. I like to look at every possible inch of myself and convince myself that I look good. But I'm definitely NOT self-obsessed.

Self-obsessed people have their photos plastered all over their blogs and facebook albums and twitter right? I don't. Well at least I don't think I do. Umm, right? .-. K so maybe I am a bit self-obsessed. I should get help. K.

So there you go. Day 1! Wow I'm looking forward to Day 2 already. Teeheehee.

This is serious me talking.

I just found that the older I get, I'll discover a lot of new things ergo a lot of changes will be made to my supposedly fixed future plans.

Remember how much the nineteen year old me wanted to get married last year?

The twenty year old me have decided to not get married.

At all.

Well maybe. I don't know how things gonna go for me. So let's just live for the time being. And for the time being, I have decided to remain single and I am focused on making myself happy eventhough I do not have a significant other. I discovered that I kind of have way too many priorities right now to be thinking of something serious (nope, a fling wouldn't do either) that involves my personal life.

So basically my plan to get married at 25 has taken a whole 180 degree turn. I don't intend to get married until I reach 35 or something because I want to concentrate on myself first and because I refuse to learn how to cook and I don't want to take care of somebody else when I couldn't even take care of myself   and I want to do things happy, single, unmarried people do.

How the hell can people get married anyway? Marriage for me right now means committing to seeing only one face for the rest of your life. To live with the same person until you're dead. To deal with all that person's annoying habits and attitudes that you don't like. To take care of that person like how you take care of yourself. And the kids, urgh, don't let me start on the kids. I have no idea why I'm suddenly so pessimistic when it comes to marriage. I know it's supposed to be a divine union of two person who agree to see each others' face only until they're dead who really love each other but I just don't see myself being one of them.

Maybe this is just the twenty year old me talking. I don't know. I change my mind a lot. But remaining single until I'm 35 sounds like a really good idea to me. For now. I'm gonna tell you straight that I hate having responsibilities that I have the option of not having. Like marriage. Maybe I'll rent an apartment with Lee and spend our lives taking care of our white kittens white grey eyes until we die. And then we'll give our kittens away to somebody. I mean, before we die of course. See, no big deal.

Maybe I'll change my mind next year. I'm easily influenced by what happens around me. I mean, my stand on certain things are pretty solid. But on others, it's like Jello. I can like you one day and hate you the other.

Wait, that's PMS ._.

But you totally get what I mean right? An idea that doesn't seem to bad at the moment may seem absolutely ridiculous in a few years. People change, plans change, things change. Everything is constantly changing around us. So don't come screaming after me next year if I post about wanting to get married and have 30 kids okay. Like I said, everything changes over time.

Oh and if you're one of my really close friends you prolly know that I intend to minor in Psychology. And minoring means learning an additional 10 subjects. Yes, I am going to have to learn 10 more Psychology subjects. I know it's going to be a rocky road because my time management is shit and I fool around a lot but it's entirely my decision and I'm going to go through with it. I'm going to graduate an English major whose also minoring in Psychology. I don't want to graduate with just one measly degree without anything else. There's just no contentment in that.

I have a PTPTN loan and in order to convert that into a scholarship I'll have to graduate first class. Seriously dude I am not paying RM30k back. I'll die before I complete the payment ._. So I came up with this genius idea to graduate with first class honors so that I wouldn't have to pay back anything. Nada. Nil. Zilch. Zero. I'd say that's a pretty good idea if I was a big brained genius but I'm not. I just got really lucky for my first semester result and I know that. Some people think that I am indeed a big brained genius but I really am not. God has been very kind to me. I am very much aware of that. I didn't put in as much effort to get that good of a result.

So I have vowed to myself that I'm going to concentrate on that and ONLY that for my remaining four years of degree. I won't make room for anything else except spending time with my beloved bimbos :p

And I'm actually being really serious here. I'm taking a stand that I am not going to shift my focus onto anything else. Just my goal of graduating with a first class degree and a minor. Nothing else.

This is serious me talking. FEEL THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION BITCHESSSSS

But seriously. I'm serious about this.

I am angry. I am really angry.

Hello.

If you should know, my football knowledge is next to nothing. I am not a hardcore fan of any football clubs, I have never been and I probably never will be. Whenever there's a football match, I just cheer on the team that I like the best because of my own personal reasons. Like during the Terengganu vs Kelantan match, I was on Terengganu's side because I have a lot of close friends from Terengganu. See? My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I went to the match tonight because my sister asked if I wanted to come along. The only reason I came was because I wanted to know how it feels like to watch a live football match. That's it. Nothing more. And I was on Arsenal's side because most of their players are hot. That's it. My very own personal reasons. Nothing too serious or political.

I know a lot of people take football very seriously. I am not one of them. I rarely take things seriously unless I have to. And I think due to the fact that my football knowledge is inadequate, my opinions on football matches should not be taken seriously. Eventhough it is important to accept and respect other people's opinion, it is not wise to take every single little thing too seriously and have really serious opinions about it. Moderation is the key.

I reached home at 1am tadi. I am tired and cranky and my mood is not stable. When I'm cranky, I get pissed really easily and when I'm pissed I tend to say things that I will regret saying later. I am typing this post with my sensible mode on because if I turn my pissed mode on, things are going to get ugly and I do not like it when things get ugly because of what my anger had made me do so I am going to stop typing now before I say anything that might upset anyone.

P/s: It doesn't hurt to assess the situation before making a conclusion.

Bersih 2.0

Hello. If you follow me on Twitter you'd probably know that I'm an avid supporter of Bersih. I support their cause and I think that what they're fighting for is a noble cause indeed ; a better future for Malaysia. I also think that it doesn't hurt to support a cause that you believe in because, well, you believe in it.

However, I'm very much aware that I do not share the same belief with all my friends. Some supported it, some were against it. But I don't mind. It's the differing opinions that make things interesting. It would be pretty boring if I have a circle of friends who were supporters like I am eh? I don't mind the fact that I have friends who were against Bersih, it's what they believe in and in my opinion they should fight for what they believe in :)

This is not a sarcastic post. I didn't write this post for controversial purposes nor to rise any political issues in my circle of friends. I believe in prioritizing friends before politics. Politics don't play a very big role in my life. Politics weren't there when I needed somebody to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Politics didn't fail my papers with me and certainly didn't laugh with me about it. My friends did :)

While I find it a bit difficult to voice out my opinion in public because of our differing opinions, I still have no qualms about my friends being on the side that I am not. I was born and raised in a rebellious (anti-gov sounds too political) family. During the 1997 rally in which people were protesting about how the then PM invited cricket players from Israel to play here, my dad went along the protest and got caught. I didn't really remember it but my sister said he appeared on TV shouting "Allahuakbar! Allahuakbar!" I remember going to kindergarten the next day and my teachers were all worried and everybody kept asking me "Atikah, ayah awak kene tangkap kan?"

But there was one thing that I really remembered. I wasn't ashamed of my dad for spending a night in jail. I was a very proud 6 year old. At that time I was proud because a lot of people saw my dad on TV. But now I realize that he was fighting for a cause that he believed in and I admire my old man for that. When he doesn't agree with something, he doesn't just sit down and do nothing about it. He joined in a rally to show how unsatisfied he is with the issue. That's why I really look up to my dad :)

I'm telling you this to show you how different people are from each other because they were raised differently. I was raised in a family of rebels, perhaps my other friends were raised in a family who believed in a cause which is different from what my family believes in. It's nature. Not everybody will agree on what you say or what you do. People will always have different opinions on the same issue. The important things here is to accept that and to respect what others have to say. You may think you're right but you have to consider that they may think the same thing too and they will have their own arguments to rebut yours and who knows, maybe their argument would change your point of view.

I admit that I was kind of pissed off when I read my timeline because I have friends who were anti-Bersih. I was pissed because they didn't support what I did. Because they don't believe in the same thing that I did. But then I thought about the fact that we are two different people. We don't come from the same family, we don't come from the same area, heck we don't even come from the same school. Can you see where this is going? Because of how I was raised, I believed in A. But that doesn't mean everybody was raised the way I was raised. Some people might believe in B because of the believe that their family had instilled in them. Or maybe even C.

So you see, it's doesn't matter that others don't share the same belief as you do. It doesn't matter that your friends don't support the cause that you think is noble. The most important thing that you have to keep in mind is that there is completely no use to argue over politics. I think I have matured in a way that I don't blast at people for not having the same believe as I did anymore. I have accepted the fact that not all of my friends believe in what I do and I respect them for that. I respect them for having a stand and most importantly, I respect them for having the guts to voice out their opinion is a sea full of people who might share the same feeling or those who might not :)

Arguing over politics is the stupidest thing a person can do. No, let me rephrase that. Arguing over politics WITH YOUR FRIENDS is the stupidest thing a person can do. You can't impose your belief on other people, that's wrong. You can try, but it's just plain immoral to force people to believe in what you do. Respect others and in return you'll be respected too :)

Dear friends, regardless of which side you are on, I still love you guys and I always will :)

Indecisive

I used to think that blogging was the only way to express. Until I discovered Twitter :\ And now I feel terrible for not updating frequently. Because I always thought that updating my blog is a kind of routine for me. It's like I have to do it, regardless of whether I actually have things to talk about or not. But then pointless ramblings are really just...pointless. And at the same time I discovered the majestic ability of Twitter, the place where you can ramble pointlessly about anything at anytime and you can limit your ramblings to certain people.

And because I have a serious case of cursing, I diverted my attention and my time to Tweeting. I made an account on January and so far I have tweeted about 18, 885 tweets. In just 7 months. Kill me now. I think that I'm the kind of person who have a lot of things to say about a lot of issues but I just don't really have the time or the discipline to sit down and write it all out here. So instead I just tweet short updates on Twitter. I feel guilty for not writing more often. No wonder I feel so depressed. It's been such a long time since I last expressed myself here. Writing is the only way to make me feel better. Unfortunately, there are ethics and rules to be adhered to when you're writing in a public blog. Hence, the use of Twitter.

But now I've made my Twitter account public so I don't know what's the use of having a Twitter account anymore .-.

So, umm, updates. Yeah. I honestly don't know who reads my ramblings here because duh, they're ramblings and pointless ones too. Unless you're a hardcore stalker then I wouldn't wonder so much. Or you find me amusing which is unlikely. Or you're just plain jobless and you like reading. Hmm, gotta like the last one better. So anyways I just completed my short semester and boy, was it a hectic one. My contact hours in the long semester was 13.5 but during this short semester it went up to 22. Wicked is it not .-.

I am going to admit that Arabic is indeed a pain in the ass because I sincerely find it confusing and not interesting and it is just not in my heart to like and learn Arabic. Yes, yes I know it's like the official language of Islam or something but I just find it so confusing. Maybe I'm better off learning another language. Like French, for instance :3 Ifinditsexydon'taskmewhy.

But thank God I managed to get through it but I'm really bothered with RASOK. With such a low CAM, I don't think I'm even close to getting an A- :( I really want to maintain my pointer but it's difficult when you get a lecturer like mine. I honestly don't know what he wants and it's just stressful because because he's really strict and stuff. I think I did Alhamdulillah for my finals. I just hope I get at least a B. Even getting a B+ is out of the question, sigh. I'm just thankful it's all over and I can get a peace of mind. Until the results come out of course.

So here I am. Home. With absolutely nothing to do until the long semester starts in September. Staying at home doing absolutely nothing is really not something I enjoy doing. I can't get a job because it'll be during the fasting month and everybody knows that I get easily pissed and tired when I'm fasting so there's a high probability that I'm going to get sacked because I might like, yell at the customers or get pissed at them for no reason.

Don't ask me what customers .-.

But the good news is mum agreed to buy me a new phone and a new laptop. And I have set my mind on getting an E5 because I like it and it's not too expensive and a Macbook :3 Just the regular one though, couldn't afford to go Pro hihi. I know it's not that my parents couldn't afford it. I know they could. But I think that they just want to give me a lesson on how to be reasonable when buying things. Of course, I face constant failure in this when buying clothes and food. I love spending money on things I love so you can't really blame me for tha. Buying new clothes and food makes me happy :B

It makes everybody happy. I reckon depression wouldn't exist if everybody were to have new clothes everyday and an endless supply of food.

Anyways a lot has happened in my life during these past few months but I just didn't have the time to update it here. So I'll put pictures instead because I love posting pictures in my blog. I think pictures will make it more colorful hihi.

 This picture was taken during the Residency's Family Day. We got so bored waiting for food we decided to camwhore. Goofily.

 LOLWUT.

 One perasan cantik tapi senyum senget picture for you.

Tiyah's favorite picture because I look blergh -_-

Ok I'm too lazy to upload more picture HAHAHA. Go ahead, hate me for being lazy .-. Kbai.

Just sit back and listen

You want to know the truth?

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to wear short shorts with sky high heels and a cropped top and just go outside and hang out with my friends like it's nobody's business.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to hold a guy's hand and look him in the eyes and smile and perhaps give him a peck at the cheek. Married or not married.

The truth is that I really really REALLY wanna go to a concert and scream my lungs out singing along to my favorite song that's being sung by my favorite band on the stage.

The truth is that I really really REALLY want to.. well, do a lot of things that I know I can't and I'm not supposed to do.

I'm just me after all.

But don't worry. I'm still sane. I know my limits. I know my stand and I am well aware of my principles. But then again, I'm just me.

*Enthusiastically waves"

I would like to open this monthly update with a plead,

Please don't hit my head for being on a hiatus without any notice :3 Not that anybody would notice or care lol. It's just me being perasan and basking in own self-claimed awesomeness and I don't know what the hell did I mean by that.

So, umm hi everybody. *awkward wave*

I honestly don't know what to blog about anymore. I'm a terrible blogger. I deserve to be cut up into pieces and be fed to the dogs. SOBS. So should I blog about what I'm feeling? How my day was? How my nephews annoyed me today? LOL I sound like a noob blogger. I should stop sounding like that and start sounding awesome instead. I think it's because I made a Twitter account and I already have a tumblr account so when I feel like venting or rambling or ranting or whatever I just do them either on Tumblr of on Twitter. Poor blogspot. Now I feel so guilty :|

So, umm can I compensate this few-worded post with pictures instead? Had a sleepover at Lee's last thursday and it was AWESOME. She baked these cute little cone-cupcakes for me and bam and she made peanut-butter pie! The con-cupcakes were really cute. She baked them in ICE CREAM CONES YES PEOPLE YOU HEARD IT RIGHT. FREAKIN ICE CREAM CONES.

I swear it looks like McD's sundae cone on the outside! But the kind that never melts ._.

And Amr got me a birthday gift! Lee went over to her house to pick it up ♥ so she could give it to me that night. Lee told me Amr asked her what do I like and she said something colorful and London-ish so I could just, you know, nonchalantly tell people where it's bought.

It's surprising how well somebody knows you.

So Amr got me this really cute bag with colorful 'London' all over it! It's so cuteeeeeeeeee I just can't seem put it down that night. I kept looking at the mirror posing with the bag because it was so cute :3 Thank you Amr. I love it!

Behold! The bag with colorful Londons. LOL cute kan :3

The bag I mean. Of course I mean the bag, duhh.

And the next day we went for a haircut! We had to really look because most shops didn't offer that tempat tertutup for people who wear tudung to have haircuts :| And we came across this saloon (HAHA) and there was that tempat tertutup place and THE PRICE WAS SO CHEAP OMG. Hair cute + blowdry (weird  incomplete version) + basic hair treatment for only RM35! We'd be crazy to not agree. But there was only one chair for the tempat tertutup so we had to take turns having haircuts which resulted in us spending nearly 3 hours there teehee.

And we agreed to meet up with Halim suppoedly for lunch but since the haircuts were taking really long hours we decided to meet up for tea instead because it's been such a long time since I saw Halim and his girlfriend Nurun is coming too and I've never met Nurun in person so it would be nice to finally meet and greet her hehe.

Pictures at the saloon!

 Bam's dream haircut lol.

Me flipping through haircut magazines wondering whether I've made the right decision by getting this kind of haircut.

Lee playing her favorite game :D

So after having our haircuts we went to see Halim at this place called, umm, Axis Atrium? I forgot what it's called. But it sounds really hip so Axis Atrium must be right HAHA.

 Halim and Nurun! The moment Halim saw me taking out Lee's camera from my bag he was all, "Koz, tangkap la gambar." multiplied by 10 -.-

 The iFamily. Bam's not in it though :P While we were all on the restaurant's wifi checking in and tweeting Bam was just sitting there staring at the table and going "I hate my phone" HAHA well she didn't really say I hate my phone. I'm just making it more dramatic. Teehee

 I like taking pictures of the same gadgets because it looks like I have a store that sells gadgets(?) Lee was all "Eee asal tangkap gamba camni gelabah la macam nak show off eee." I like to feel like a store owner ok.

Lee's purposely mismatched socks. Nurun thought they were sold like that -.-

 Bam was so amused by this board because the waiters took the initiative to actually draw mee goreng and ice lemon tea LOL.

 Ooohhh and Bam painted my nails for me because I have minor Parkinson and can't paint my nails properly because she's really good at doing so. It's bronze and I look like I have no fingernails because it matches the color of my skin! Camouflage FTW.

 Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin dari kami sekeluarga.

Halim in a desperate attempt to make me take pictures of him 'willingly' HAHA. He walked up the escalator looking like there's somebody at the end whom he'd like to punch. No kidding.

So that's all for now. See I wrote quite a long post to compensate my unannounced hiatus. Please love me now :D

I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face.

Hi. I know everybody must hate me being on an unannounced hiatus for more than a month. I think it's because I have other priorities now. Or whatever.

Do you know how much I hate dislike it when people bring something up from my past and slam it in my face? It makes me want to howl in memory of the pain I used to feel. I had a hard time in school, you should know that. Albeit having awesome friends, my school days is certainly not something I like to talk about openly. I always feel tears coming up when somebody brings up about what people did to me in school. I know I don't get that anymore now. But there will always be those scars. And sometimes I think that they're the kind of scars that can be opened once again. It used to hurt and it still hurts. Not showing it to anybody doesn't mean I don't feel it. I do, I'm just trying not to make such a big deal out of it.

I'm scarred for life. You should be well aware of that. Or maybe you're not because you didn't really know what happened. Not that I'd want to share it with you. It's just something I can't talk about. Everybody has that one thing they can't seem to express to others. This is mine. People can try and convince me I don't look like how I used to back then. They can try and try and try. And I can act like I'm convinced. But no, I'm not convinced and I think I never will be convinced. I hate it when people bring that up and all those shitty feelings I used to feel about myself, those feelings that make me feel like I'm worthless come surging up again. Strangling my new faith until it suffocates and leaves me feeling like a piece of shit all over again.

I don't know whether you've felt that worthless before or not. But I have okay. And I'm not lying when I say that I didn't enjoy even one bit of it. It used to make me feel miserable about myself and now I know that it will keep haunting me until the day I die, literally. I don't know how many assholes I've killed in my mind everytime that feeling comes. Assholes that made me feel that way. I may appear to be okay with you now. Everything seems to be well doesn't it? However well I may treat you, please do know that I will never forget what you did to me. How I'm really scarred for life because of your words.. Your mindless, stupid words that you uttered to me, I still remember from years ago. And I think I'll remember them forever. Unless I get brain damage. Thank you for permanently scarring me. Thank you from my fucking broken confidence. Thank you from the bottom of my scarred heart. Thank you fuckers.

I hate you for what you did and I forever will. You can say sorry all you want. You can forget. You can do anything that makes you feel good about yourself. But sorry, I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to forgive you, I won't be able to forget and I won't be able to do things that would make me feel good about myself. You may think that this isn't a big deal. That I'm over-reacting like a little bitch. But no. I'm not. This is now I really feel and I'm nto afraid of being accused as a drama queen. You're not in my shoes. You don't get to feel all those feelings I used to feel. You don't get to feel like somebody just stomped on you until you feel so worthless you just want to curl up and never go out ever again. You've never felt all that, so you can say whatever you want and do whatever you like.

I am honestly sick and tired of constantly feeling like this. Sometimes I wish that I would wake up one day and all my emotions would be taken away from me. So that whenever people try to make me feel worthless I won't even feel shit. So that when people try to stomp on me, I ain''t even mad. I wish I would stop caring and loving and missing and whetever other feelings that I constantly feel, for once. I'm tired of feeling. Right now, I just want to feel nothing. Nothing at all.

For all the people who have made me feel worthless, this is for you.

Here is to what we are. Or what is left of us.

Emotions, emotions, emotions.

I wish I had less of them. I have been a very emotional person as far as I can remember. I get upset and emotional over every little stupid thing. It kind of runs in the family. Except my dad. He's always very calm and relaxed. I wonder how he does that. Or maybe it's because I'm a girl and I'm meant to have all these emotions in me. Hmm.

Anyways, I'm tired of being emotional. I wish I could just stop giving any fucks so that I won't be so depressed when something emotion-related happens. Like if my cat dies. If I have a cat that is. I'm sure I'd be pretty depressed for a minimum of a week. I mean, it's my cat we're talking about. And it's no longer there for me. I wouldn't be able to cuddle with it anymore. Or feed it. Or talk to it. Or pat it. The feeling's kind of different knowing that my pet cat is no longer here with me. RIP my imaginable pet cat.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotional release for quite a few days now. Thank God it's not that bad to the extent that I can't even study anything. Plus I have a test coming up tomorrow. Linguistics. And I don't understand shit about chapter six. There's only so many things to learn in a chapter it's getting exhausting! I can't wait for this semester to end. Ayunie's gonna start next semester OMGGGG! I swear I'm so excited at the prospect of seeing her face everyday until I puke out of an overdose of Ayunie lol. Nah that's unlikely :P


Hmm I don't know what to write about anymore. I'm having a lot of thoughts in my mind. But they're the kin of thoughts that you can't really say out loud. Private thoughts, yes. So I'm just gonna go drown in my sorrow  and start studying on chapter 6. Plus I need to memorize the phonetic alphabets. K bye.

Sorry. I can't think of a title.

I went to One Utama with Lee and Bam today. Anyways (directed at Lee and Bam, but you can read it too like DUH of course you can read it) do you notice how our nicknames have only three letters in them? Lee, Bam, Koz. Oh and Amr's too. I used to say Amr with a very prominent R sound but then I heard how Lee pronounced it and I started pronouncing it as Am which doesn't sound as retarded at pronouncing it as Amr with a strong R. It usually ends up sounding like AMMER. HUMMER HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Ok I really shouldn't make fun of Amrina's nickname ._.

So anyways (CAN SOMEBODY SUGGEST ANOTHER PARAGRAPH OPENING FOR ME? URRRGGHH) it's been quite a while since I saw Lee and Bam so it was very nice to get to spend the whole day with them. Lee was supposed to come and pick me up and 1030 but due to unavoidable (MEH) circumstances she arrived like an hour later ._.  They were calling me like every 5 minutes asking for directions and I THINK I guided them clearly enough through the phone but it turned out that my sense of direction sucks. Even on our way to One Utama with ME in the car and Lee driving around MY neighborhood we nearly made a few wrong turns. I have just realized that I have problems with my right and left side. When lee asked, "Right of left?" I had to show her the direction with my hand which pissed her off because she was driving and what the hell was I doing showing her the directions with my hands instead of just saying it out loud.

She kept screaming at me. It was frightening ._.

So after a lot of screaming and tarts being eaten(?) we reached our destination and parked the car and yada yada yada and walked and yada yada yada and ate at Johny's where the food is surprisingly quite cheap. Lee had green colored noodles wtf. I think they were called Spinach noodles. I forgot to ask her how were they. But she finished it. So either it tastes ok or Lee is a pig and eats every single thing in her way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ok I'm just kidding you're not a pig please don't scream at me.

Bam ate this weird rice and BBQ chicken thing which looks very boring and I had kuey tiaw soup which IS very boring because I didn't know what else to eat. I wanted to try the steamboat but it's too time consuming and it's not like we have until 11pm to stay out. My dad asked me just now "What time did you reach home?" and I answered, "About five pm" and he went, "SO LATE?" and I was like looking at him and going ._.

Dad, I love you and everything but you have to understand that I'm 20 years old already. Yes Dad, your youngest little girl has grown up into this young bitch lady and she can manage herself pretty well without you having to worry about her. I think I'm doing okay so far. So you don't have to worry about me. I promise I won't have unprotected sex before marriage and get impregnated by some random guy on the streets if that's what you're worried about It's all right to have a little trust in this young lady :)

Lol what the hell I sounded so grown up just now. But I really do think that 20 is a big number. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'M AN ADULT NOW BITCHES! And you could hear me saying that exact sentence in two months time when my birthday comes lol. I'm still nineteen right now. But feeling so twenty already wtf. I'll get married in five years time and then comes the baby :O

Ok let's not get THAT carried away.

So today was really fun. Lee acted like a drunkard on cough syrup all day long lol. It was secretly entertaining because seriously, how much close would you get to a drunkard act-a-like if not your awesome as hell friends? And I mean that in a nice okay DON'T SCREAM AT ME. God, I can still hear you voice ringing in my head I swear ._. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight. A nightmare which would comprise of Lee yelling and screaming and shrieking at me throughout our journey from Malaysia to Ice Land. By foot. Carrying Polar Bears.

DAMN THAT WOULD BE ONE HELL OF A NIGHTMARE.

Ok scratch the Polar Bear part that was just plain stupid wtf.

Oh and I bought a new pair of jeans today! I initially wanted to try another pair but they were too similar to a pair that I already own so when Lee found this really nice comfortable wide leg jeans I just HAD to beg her to let me have it. HAHA Ok so maybe I didn't beg her. She was all, "Meh. Judging by the long legs they'd probably suit you better anyways." So I tried them on and I was like SO IN LOVE WITH THE CUTTING AND THE FABRIC AND THE BUTTONS AND OHMYGOD IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT SO MUCH LOVE FOR AN INANIMATE OBJECT I ALMOST WANTED TO RUN AROUND THE SHOP WITHOUT MY PANTS ON AND SCREAM IN DELIGHT.

But they were actually a bit too long so I'm gonna have to ask somebody to alter it so that it would fit ._.

BUT WHATEVER I LOVE IT.

And if you're wondering why isn't there any pictures it's because Lee hadn't put them up yet. One of the reasons why I love going out with her is that she will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS upload the pictures we've taken with her big camera on that day into a whole new album♥

Oh and I wore a skirt today for the second time this year. I think I'm starting to like it. It makes me feel so..gay. In a good way. Don't ask me how gay in a good way is like I don't get what I myself am saying half of the time lol. So there you have it a motherfather long post because I felt guilty I hadn't updated this blog for quite sometime :(  Only 4 posts in January WTF is wrong with me. I must blog more often after this or I'll lose my innate writing skills whatever that's supposed to mean.

I'm going to end this post with a disturbing picture of me, Lee and Bam eating Subway because we're awesome shizz like that yo.

Eh lupa pulak aku ada blog

I wore a skirt to class today. It felt weird lol I was so conscious of myself the whole day I kept looking at mirrors everytime I walk pass one. I am really NOT a skirt person mind you. I feel so gay wearing them which is what I shouldn't be feeling because I am a girl after all and girls don't just feel gay. Unless they like another girl. But that's a whole different story. The last time I wore a skirt was when I went to Terengganu 4 months ago. And that was the first time in many many many years.  I would totally rock pencil skirts but I'm a hijabi so yeah lol.

Nurul and Najwa wore skirts too today. We were supposed to wear them on Tuesday but I couldn't find anything to wear mine with so I didn't. And being self conscious of how I look in a skirt doesn't really help too. But Kartika said I look really nice in a skirt prolly because I'm kind of tall so that made me feel a little better hehe.

My first post in almost two weeks and I end up talking about skirts.

Great.

OH MY GOD I almost forgot that I'm going back home tomorrow! Can't wait to see my nephews. Plus my dad is picking me up tomorrow because I called my mom yesterday and asked her to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come and pick me up mainly because I can't stand going back home by KTM. I don't have a proper backpack for my laptop so I had to used a normal backpack and my shoulders hurt like hell everytime I lunge that thing home. That thing, my laptop, yes. Maybe I secretly have osteoporosis ._. God I hope not. I heard that when you're pregnant you'll need a lot of calcium for your baby's growth and you'll end up losing a few teeth or something. I don't really care about the teeth part because if my child pisses me off I can just tell pull off his/her teeth as revenge HHEGhhehGEHEGHgehgHGEHEGHGhge. Yes, I am going to be a creepy mother.

So anyways (I just HAD to use this) I had three mid term papers this week. No, Mass Com was last week. Poetry and BM was yesterday. I only slept for an hour when I was studying for my Mass Com because eventhough only 4 chapters were included, they were 4 REAAALLLLYYY REEEAAALLLYYY LOOOONNNGGGG chapters. Thank God for Nurul and Mee otherwise I would've slept at 10 and not wake up in the middle of the night to study hihi.

I think I shall go have some more sleep because I was so deprived of sleep that I overslept this morning. I woke up at 0935 and started freaking out because class was at 10 and this was the kind of class where you would have to sit on the floor of you were late. Lol ok so maybe not on the floor. But this class was so packed it's almost impossible to find yourself a seat if you turn up late. And because I was late today I didn't get to sit at my usual spot. Instead I end up sitting between Eryna and this half chinese half malay guy who looks like Fatim OH MY LAWD I SWEAR ON THE CUTE PURPLE COVER OF MY ITOUCH HE IS THE MALE VERSION OF FATIM THEY COULD'VE EASILY PASSED AS TWINS I TELL YOU. His complexion, his nose, his eyes and the fact that he is really thin MAKES HIM LOOK 99.9999% LIKE FATIM I AM SO GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM.

And I don't care how creepy I'd look. IT MUST BE DONE.

Ok I'm going to get more sleep so that I can function normally tonight. Bonne Nuit! Well, not yet but whatever.

PTPTN

You could not imagine my relief as I handed my PTPTN forms to that akak this evening. I should be relived. I kind of went through hell for that. It's true. They'll make you run for the money. In my case, they made me wet. Well not technically anyway. And by wet I mean rain-wet. Not the perverted kind of wet. Whatever.

So how my PTPTN story begins ;

I went to the Main Audi at exactly 2pm today because I want to be first in line because I hate waiting for such a long time only to have that thing done in seconds. Like handing the PTPTN form. So I waited for like half an hours before a guy from the office prolly showed up to certify my documents and stuff. Good looking, he is indeed :B So after that I went inside the Main Audi to hand in my forms but there was this small queue so I and Nurul sat for a while at the front row while Mee settled in at the back of the hall. So after a few minutes my turn finally came up and I went to that guy in the PTPTN uniform to have him check my forms and all the signatures and whatever other shits that they wanted to check.

AND GUESS WHAT?

Absolutely nobody told me that I had to do that bloody bloody cetak maklumat thing which of course I didn't and I was asked to go and do it right there and then because they wouldn't accept my form otherwise. Fruck knows what website was I supposed to log into. So anyways I went running through the rain with a very crumpled PTPTN offer letter (they told me to make a copy of this one too) in my bag and rain gaily coming down on me. Whatever that's supposed to mean. So first I went to the photocopy shop to potosetet my offer letter and after that I was all WTF WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PRINT THAT THING because apparently, the photocopy shops around that area doesn't have internet connection FML.

So anyways I was panicking and calling messaging Nurul asking her if she knows where the nearest CC is which she doesn't of course. It couldn't get any better than this could it. So I wandered back and forth the shops for like 10 minutes because it was raining to heavily and I didn't know where on earth I should go to print that stupid mofoing thing. And a few minutes later Nurul send me a message saying I have to go the ITD and save a copy there and then bring it to the printing shop. So I went to the ITD and made a few wrong turns before finding the lady lab. I almost went into the gent's lab because I was so desperate I swear.

So I found a vacant computer and I logged in and immediately clicked open the Internet Explorer. The internet was so amusingly awesome in that lab that the PTPTN website opened in a matter of moments. So anyways I typed in my IC and my password and THEY WOULDN'T LOG ME IN. "Sila masukkan nombor kad pengenalan yang anda gunakan semasa pendaftaran" kept popping up whenever I tried to log in. So then I rummaged in my bag for my thumbdrive and what would I find other than the fact that I left my thumbdrive in my room? I know, I am so awesome things just have to fall that way. And there I was, unable to log in and with no thumbdrive looking at the clock as it ticks away precious time. The weight of the situation finally hit me in the face and I was on the verge of tears because I didn't know what to do and I keep messaging Mee and Nurul asking for help (I made them depressed too lol) when it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I could ask Sasa.

And so I send her a message asking her for the exact website and her reply made me realize that I had been wasting nearly 45 minutes trying to log in on the wrong website. HOW BLOODY STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN. After that I quickly logged in and searched for that cetak maklumat thing but I had another problem. WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A THUMBDRIVE? I considered asking the stranger sitting next to me for a QUITE while when Gihah called my name. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO IMAGINE HOW RELIEVED I WAS WHEN SHE TOLD ME I COULD BORROW HER THUMBDRIVE. I promise I will belanja you when my money comes in Gihah, I PROMISE YOU. At that time I was sure that Allah had sent her to me. I know it sounds silly, but Allah works in mysterious ways doesn't he? Hihi.

So after saving the file on Gihah's thumbdrive (she was such a darling. She told me I could return her thumbdrive through Nas or Ira and that she didn't need it in a hurry ♥) I raced out of ITD and down the stairs and then I half walked half ran to the printing shop. I plugged in the thumbdrive and voila! The only thing I have to do now is click the printer icon. So I clicked it and waited for the papers to be printed. But the outcome was horrible. The fonts were too big so my info was kind of off the papers so the papers looked incomplete and I remembered Sasa telling me that if my infos don't fit on the paper, I should try printing it landscaped. So I did. But I still had to pay for the odd ones though. Sigh. By the time I finished printing it was already 4pm.

So I ran back to the main audi to find it completely empty of students and the PTPTN people looked like they were already packing their stuffs. The guy who was dealing with me earlier was talking to Mee and Nurul and when I showed up he was all, "Hah, dah print?" So I showed him the landscaped cetak maklumat thing and his friend went, "AARGGHH DIE PRINT LANDSCAPE PULAAKK" I seriously considered crying and begging them to accept my from at that time. Seriously. Anyways I panicked again and tears start swelling up in my eyes when the guy told me to follow him to the counter with all my forms. So I did. And he was going through all of them and making conversation with me when he suddenly said, "Dik, awak hantar dengan second group la eh?" (Today is the last day for the people from the first group to submit and the second group will be formed around end of february) So naturally I started freaking out and had tears in my eyes again because I thought that he had accepted my form. So I asked him, "Uhh. Habes semue ni kene buat balik ke?" and he answered, "Haah, kena buat balik" I was like WTF THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I AM GOING THROUGH THAT KIND OF HELL AGAIN and I think he could see I was starting to cry so he laughed and handed me the form while saying, "Ha nah, pegi hanta kat kakak tu."

I went to this lady and handed her the form. She asked me for my IC and while she was keying in my details I asked her, "Umm kak, ade possibility nak kene reject tak borang saye ni?" Because I was mega freaked out and to my surprise the lady said, "Reject? takdelah dik. Ape-ape jadi pun duit mesti kitorang masuk punye"

That guy lied to me. Bastard.

So anyways I was so relieved after that I went to Mee and Nurul and bawled my eyes out because I couldn't stand the pressure any longer and they started freaking out when they saw me cry lol.

So that was it, my PTPTN story. I do hope I'll never have an episode similar to that ever again. A big thanks to Ayunie for posting my transcript from Nilai, to Sasa for briefing me on what to do when I was panicking like a madman, to Gihah for lending me her thumbdrive and of course to Nurul and Mee for having to wait for me for hours and for comforting me when I cried. You guys are eligible to pester me for a treat the moment my money comes in. I ♥ my friends :)

Rants III. Or is it IV?

I used to love looking at really gory 18SG pictures before. Like pictures of people being stabbed and cut up and people taht went through some kind of shredder and things like that. But after I opened this Oh!Tidak website I got overdosed with gory pictures and now I can't even look at even a slightly gory picture. It has become very puke-inducing for me. Just now one of my friends on facebook posted this link from Oh!Media about this woman who either committed suicide or was killed in her filled bathtub and she was found like, weeks later. So if you are a fan of gory pictures you can prolly imagine what the pictures look like. Thankgod I haven't eaten my lunch yet. Thank God.

So anyways (do you realize how frequently I use this phrase when starting the second paragraph? Lol) I think I'm getting pretty good on the not-giving-a-damn-about-boyfriends thing. My shabby sense of style and my tone of voice when I talk to guys are major contributors I should think. You know how you have these different tone of voices depending on whom you're speaking to? When I speak with older people it would be the miss goody two-shoes tone of voice but when I speak with my friends I would use the LOLWUTOMGWTF tone of voice. But when I speak with guys (those who I'm not comfortable around with anyways. When I speak to close guy friend I use the Hi-I'm-a-nice-friend-aren't-I tone) I usually make use of the defensive tone which would of course, shoo them away from any prospects of having me as a girlfriend. Yay me.

Meanwhile, the PTPTN thing has  made me go absolutely bonkers because it's just so complicated and there's just so many things to do in a short period of time! I hate doing things like this. I really do. Although I have to admit that I work best under pressure, but a bit too much pressure won't do anybody any good would it? So I still haven't had my papers verified by the Dean of the Kuliyyah yet. I hope to do that tomorrow otherwise I can just wave bye bye to my loan. Sobs. I really need that loan ok mostly because I don't like to use my parents' money for entertainment which I do a lot lol. I'll feel really really guilty afterward and I'll go spiraling deep down into temporary depression which I always do ._.

If this is the fuss I have to go through in order to apply a loan, I can't imagine what complicated things I must do when I apply for a scholarship. Funfact: Did you know that out of all the scholars I checked out on the scholarship website only one company (NST) offers a scholarship for English Majors? LIKE WTF ONLY ONE. English is a very important field ok T_T And the government goes around telling everybody how they must acquire english for future use but at the same time they don't provide a special scholarship for English Majors! I demand that the Ministry of Higher Education (if there is such thing) do something about this. I don't want to depend on PTPTN until I graduate. What if I don't find work immediately after I graduate? WHO'S GONNA PAY MY FRICKIN LOAN FOR MEEEEEE.

This is depressing.

It's funny how easily depressed I get. One minute I'm all smiles and thinking about my supposedly bright future and the next I'll be all gloomy and tensed because I don't really know what I would be. I mean, I do have a plan for myself but what if it doesn't go accordingly? What if I mess up along the way and I'll end up being a hobo AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO MUCH DEPRESSIONNNN.

Anyways I think I'm out of things to say. I'll end this post with a picture of Kartika, Me, Ayunie and Mee because I know that all of us miss her :')

STOP ASKING ME TO PUT A DAMN TITLE HERE DAMN IT

I have finally accepted the fact that I will never have a boyfriend. Today while I was walking back from class it suddenly hit me that all the hot guys are either taken or gay and I don't have the heart to date guy whom I'm not physically attracted to. I think this has something to do with my dream last night. I dreamed about being forced into marriage with this average chinese looking guy. I'm going to assume he's a Muslim because unless he is, my dad probably wouldn't force me to marry him. Er, right?

I think my dad was declared bankrupt or something in that dream because my whole family was living with me, and my husband and his family. And apparently, I have a son with him. I remember not liking him at all during the early stages of our marriage but somehow my love for him developed throughout our marriage and strengthened when our first son (who looks very much like his father) was born. Oh and did I tell you that my husband is a pekerja kilang? Or a petani. Either one. We kind of live in a hut and I was rebelling because I'm not used to that kind of life. I know, I can be a bitch.

So anyways the only thing that made me remember the dream so prominently was his love for me. I felt so loved in that dream. And I really, really, really love that feeling. I feel loved and appreciated and cared for eventhough we waren't living in a multimillion dollar mansion by the lake. I was just happy to have my husband and my son by my side. It's kind of a weird dream for me to be having and I don't know if that's just some random meaningless dream or my future husband actually looks like that lol. So that prolly means I'm marrying a chinese convert. Because he looks really chinese. Just and average looking chinese. But I loved him (in that dream) and for a moment I felt as if that was all that matters.

But then of course, I woke up and realized that I am still single and miserable.

So I came up with a new year (this might be a bit too late. But whatever) resolution for myself. The only one because I doubt I would be able to achieve anything in my resolution list if I made such a list. I'm just not very disciplined. My new year resolution is to not give a rat's ass about boyfriends, ever. I'm tired of this, I really am. I don't care if my friends have thirty boyfriends each anymore. I just refuse to care. And I think it's better that way because for once, I can stop feeling bad about myself because nobody is physically attracted to me whatsoever. I don't care. I just don't care anymore.

I think one of the reasons as to why I still don't have a boyfriend is prolly because of over exposure to testosterone while I was in the womb. Seriously. I googled about women who have ring fingers that are longer than their index fingers and the result came up like that. Plus they also conducted a research on this and it shows that women with longer ring fingers (I think this was referred to as the low something something. I couldn't remember) showed aggressive traits when dealing with challenging tasks. I'm normally a very relaxed person but I tend to get really really physically and verbally aggressive when people piss me off. And by really really I mean REALLY REALLY.

I think that the probability of me getting into a physical fight with a man is very high if that man does something that can really really piss me off . I have my mom's brute strength in this department so I think it's possible. Plus I have this stupid ego most people don't know about. It's not obvious, but I can feel it taking over me sometimes which explains my sudden mood swings. And I think that's the best alternative for me to handle my ever-expanding ego right now. Everybody is equipped with egos. The problem comes in how you handle them. My handling is shit, so whatever.

Anyways what was I talking about in the first place again? I hate digression.